Do You Know the Way to Nokia?
Jan. 21st, 2011 02:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eilonwyhasemuIt's breakfast time in the Cook household. David Cook is attempting to decide whether he wants chocolate pancakes with peanut butter chips or peanut butter pancakes with chocolate chips, weighing the gratification of having both against what his trainer will say. Younger brother Andrew has given up waiting and is eating Lucky Charms while reading Variety. Guitarist Neal Tiemann isn't up yet, as it is hours before noon. Both dogs and the basilisk have their snouts in their bowls.
Cook's cell phone plays the American Idol theme song.
Cook: There's only one person who gets that ring tone.
ACook: The blond chick at the party the other night?
Cook: No. Ken Warwick.
ACook: Holy borefest, Batman! Is he asking you to come save Idol by singing every week?
Cook [answers phone]: Hey.
Warwick: Davemeister! I hear you've got a couple weeks free between finishing that album of yours and starting promotion for it.
Cook: That depends what you call "free"--
Warwick: I have just the thing to give you some much-needed promo after you've been off the radar for so long.
Cook: Dude. I've been at public events every month. My songs in recurrents never die. I'm not exactly absent from the public consciousness.
Warwick: If you're not on my teevee every week, you're absent from my consciousness, and that's what counts. But I've got just the thing. We're going to do a short series of All-Star Idols--
Cook: No.
Warwick: What do you mean, "no"?
Cook: No. Like, "no means no."
Warwick: No?
Cook: No. No, I will not compete against Kelly Clarkson and Taylor Hicks to prove which of us is the real superstar. No.
Warwick: Daverino, you break my heart. My plan was nothing like that. Nothing! The stars are going to compete on Idol to win money for their favorite charities and you, sir, you are going to be one of the judges.
Cook: Why?
Warwick: Each judge will earn $20,000 for a charity of their choice.
Cook: Dude. My fans can raise twenty grand in under 45 minutes.
Warwick: You're one of the major successes of the show.
Cook: Really?
Warwick: People remember you as one of the most original contestants ever.
Cook: Even when I was hiding behind my guitar?
Warwick: Davonanna-bonana-fanna-fo! You never hid behind that guitar. You were exultantly present with your guitar. You and the guitar--
Cook: How many weeks is this?
Warwick: Two. Three nights a week for two weeks. It just fits your schedule.
Cook: Make it 100 grand and we have a deal.
Warwick: Fifty thousand is my final offer.
Cook: No can do.
Warwick: Seventy-five.
Cook: I think I have to wash my hair that night. All twelve of them. Thirteen? Sh*t. I've lost count since I started with the current stylist. She goes a little short on the sides, though.
Warwick: Eighty thousand for charity and you get Simon's seat.
Cook: Dude. That means you didn't get Kelly Clarkson.
Warwick: You drive a hard bargain, Dave-my-man. A century of super-simoleons it is. [pause] By the way, do you have Lee DeWyze's number?
Cook: He's been sleeping on my couch the past couple weeks. Hang on. [takes phone into next room, where a sleepy Lee DeWyze is wrapped in a blanket, watching the Cartoon Channel] Dude. Ken Warwick wants to talk with you.
DeWyze: Sh*t. I hope he didn't find out about the car. [to phone] Mr. Warwick! Great to hear from you.
Cook goes back in the kitchen and decides on peanut butter pancakes with chocolate chips. As he's finishing cooking the second batch, DeWyze wanders in, rubbing his eyes.
DeWyze: Dude. You won't believe this.
Cook: After what we've been through, you'd be amazed what I'd believe. Want a pancake?
DeWyze: Seriously. Mr. Warwick asked me to be a judge on a special American Idol where big music stars will compete to win money for their favorite charities.
ACook: D'ya think he got Kris Allen for the third seat?
DeWyze: I was so worried he'd find out about when we sh*t in his car.
Cook: We?
DeWyze: All of the season 9 finalists. It was Big Mike's idea. Crystal laid down the biggest, smelliest turd, though. Mine was kinda dinky. I hadn't gotten a lot of fiber that week.
***
Cook and DeWyze have arrived at Ken Warwick's offices for an orientation meeting about this Idol special gig. In the reception area, they find a slender and attractive brunette waiting.
Cook: Kat McPhee?
McPhee: David Cook! And you must be Andrew Cook.
DeWyze: Actually, I'm Lee DeWyze.
McPhee: Ah. You were on that show... uh...
DeWyze: American Idol.
McPhee: No, not that one. That other show...
DeWyze: Yes, that one. I won it last year.
McPhee: Really? Fancy that.
Cook [hustling to change subject]: That's an interesting necklace you're wearing. Are those miniature cowbells?
McPhee: Goat bells, actually. Each one is a memento of a goat that was sacrificed in order to keep me in the PR spotlight.
Cook: Ah...
McPhee: We'd just sacrificed a fresh one on Tuesday, when I got the call from Ken--
Warwick's voice from office: What do you mean, Caleb Followill backed out?
Warwick's voice: I don't want to hear about his rock cred. We need a third male contestant and we need him now.
Realizing that they're overhearing one end of a phone conversation, Cook, DeWyze, and McPhee tactfully do the right thing and slide closer to the slightly ajar door of Warwick's office to get a better earful.
Warwick: Well, get John Lennon, then.
Warwick: What do you mean, he's dead? We've used his music on the show every year since 2008.
Warwick: Yes, I know what "dead" means. Fine, get me John Denver.
Warwick: Dead? Okay, Freddy Mercury. That'll wake up the cougars.
Warwick: Fine. Michael Jackson. He can't be dead. He has an album charting.
Cook gently knocks on the office door, then peeks in.
Cook: Ken, how about Eminem? He's got an album charting, and he's not dead.
Warwick: I'm not having a giant dancing piece of candy on my show. In my day, son, we had voices.
DeWyze [to Cook]: Aren't you friends with Bruce Springsteen?
Cook: He'd never do this. But I know who might be talked into it.
***
It's the first night of American Idol: Superstars!. Cook, DeWyze, and McPhee are backstage. Cook is sartorially splendid in a three-piece suit. McPhee glitters in an evening gown. DeWyze is wearing jeans and a hoodie.
DeWyze: Wow. It's weird to be on this side of the stage.
McPhee: We're not on stage yet. Why didn't you dress up?
DeWyze: Mr. Warwick told me judges are supposed to be casual. I asked if this outfit was okay, and he said it was perfect.
Cook: I wonder why nobody's told us who the contestants are or what the theme is. We weren't even invited to rehearsals.
Ken Warwick enters.
Warwick: Kids! I've got a great idea! Let's have the three of you enter singing. That'll remind the audience what they loved you for.
McPhee: Can we sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"?
Cook: No.
McPhee: Why "no"? Can't you hit all the notes?
Cook: I mean, no, we're not going to enter singing. We're the judges. We shouldn't be doing cheesy group sings.
DeWyze: Damn. I wanted to do that chest-bump thing you used to do with Michael Johns.
Warwick: You're going to sing a medley of Hal David-Burt Bacharach hits!
Cook: No.
Warwick: But they have seventy Top 40 hits! It'll be a Moment.
DeWyze: Can I have a bagpipe player?
Cook: No. We haven't rehearsed, and it's cheesy. Are we to gather that the David-Bacharach songbook is tonight's theme?
Warwick: Aren't you the smart boy! Yes, for this show, we're making sure the contestants use songs by established hitmakers, not the drek that Season 9 bunch chose.
Cook and McPhee look at DeWyze. DeWyze looks at the floor.
DeWyze: So what order do we sit in?
***
Cook does indeed get the Simon Cowell chair. For gender balance, McPhee is in the middle, so DeWyze gets Randy Jackson's usual seat.
Ryan Seacrest [on stage]: ...And now let's meet our first contestant...
A slender blond woman strides in. Her platinum hair is elaborately pouffed on her head. Her giant sunglasses cover half her face. Her dress appears to be made of pancakes.
Ryan Seacrest: Lady Gaga, tell us about the charity you're competing to earn money for.
Lady Gaga: My charity is the Lupus Foundation of America. Lupus is the invisible ravager--
Seacrest: Excuse me, but you have lupus, right?
Lady Gaga: Not exactly. The results were borderline positive.
Seacrest: But someone in your family has lupus.
Lady Gaga: No. Some of my little monsters do, though. This under-recognized condition could be silently affecting people close to you--
Seacrest: But it's not affecting you?
Lady Gaga: It potentially affects all of us. Just because someone doesn't look sick--
Seacrest: If you don't have a tragic story to share, I think you'd better sing. Ladies and gentlemen, Lady Gaga!
Lady Gaga: I'm singing this for the freaks and the monsters, so you'll know there's someone who cares about you. [sings] What the world needs now is lo lo la oh gaga sweet love--
After she is done with a dramatic performance that involves spurting maple syrup from an apparent cut to her throat, the judges look at one another, then down at their teleprompter screens.
DeWyze [reading]: Dawg. That was just a'ight. [mutters] What the hell?
McPhee: You were amazing. You brought yourself and you brought it. We knew it was you, and you were you and you were love, and the song was love.
Cook [not looking at his screen]: Is that dress made of pancakes?
Lady Gaga: Yes. Why?
Cook: Could you make sure I get the name of the designer?
DeWyze: Dude. You are not going to perform in an outfit made of pancakes.
Cook: Of course not. But someday, the right chick in a dress like that could make for an interesting home life.
Seacrest: Vote for Lady Gaga at 1-866-IDOLS-01. [Gaga holds up 1 finger.] Moving right along--
Cook: I didn't do my critique yet.
Seacrest: We're short on time and look! Here's Kanye West.
Kanye West [sings]: What's new pussycat? Woah. Woah. What's new pussycat? Whoa Whoa. Pussycat, pussycat, I've got flowers and lots of hours to spend with you. [breaks into rap] Pussy with an haitch is that a hussy or am I pushy? You're a cat and I'm a dog. Hot dog! Not lookin' for a hallway, do mah pushin' in a small way. [sings] So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose.
Seacrest: Tell us why you picked that song.
West: I like pussy.
Seacrest: And you're raising money for a humane society...
West [looks at him like he's crazy]: I have my own foundation that keeps African-American and Latino youth in school so they know you don't have to be a dropout to be a gangsta. Finishing high school is important.
Seacrest: How'd you do in high school?
West: Got A's and B's. I'm not even frontin'. I'll really have a problem if I don't win this whole thing.
Seacrest: Well, good luck. 1-866-IDOLS-02. Now our third contestant--
Cook: Wait! We haven't given our critiques at all.
Seacrest: --got her start when she was only 17. Hear her take on a classic after this important message.
Show goes to commercial.
Cook: We didn't get to critique Kanye West. Ryan, you can't do that.
Seacrest: Cookie, schedule is king. It's all about the ad time.
Cook: So I'll hold up my Coke cup while I talk. We're here to judge.
Seacrest: You're making a big deal over nothing--
Cook: I'm being paid to judge--
Seacrest: You're being paid to be the one recognizable face we could get for this gig. Smile and look pretty for your cougar fans. Nobody cares what you have to say about music.
Cook [sets Coke cup down]: Come on, Lee. There's an Always Sunny marathon tonight, and you'll get a kick out of the show.
DeWyze: What?
Cook: We're going home.
DeWyze: I... how many more times will I ever get to be on network TV?
Cook: I thought it was all about the music with you.
DeWyze: You're not struggling to get your music heard.
Cook: There's humiliation that's not worth it.
DeWyze: Dude. My best gig so far was the result of my being humiliated over that National Anthem thing with the Bears and the opera singer.
Ken Warwick [entering in clouds of glory]: Children, children, what is the trouble here?
Cook: If you just need three faces for the camera to pan over occasionally, there are plenty of dudes who look roughly like me and will work cheaper.
Warwick [to Seacrest]: Give them their two minutes, Ryan. You know fans cream their panties when Daverino works the vocab. Say Davemeister, can you work in "antediluvian"?
Cook: Unless you've updated the song lists, I'm sure there will be plenty of occasions.
Seacrest [to camera]: And we're back. This third contestant got her start when she was only seventeen. Miss Taylor Swift!
Taylor Swift enters, holding guitar. Seacrest sidles up next to her and puts an arm around her.
Swift: Hi, Ryan. I'm here to raise money to protect children from online predators.
Seacrest [removing arm]: I feel distanced, somehow.
Swift [sings as she strums]: Only love can break a heart. Only love can mend it. Last night I hurt you, but darlin', remember this. Only love can break a heart. Only love can mend it again.
After an emotional performance in which Swift is flat only three times, Seacrest turns to the cameras.
Seacrest: Now let's hear what priceless words of wisdom our judges have to share.
DeWyze [reading from teleprompter]: I wish you weren't hiding behind your guitar so much. All that plunka-plunka. [in normal voice] What? I don't think that. Miss Swift, I loved that performance. Thank you for sharing it with us.
McPhee [leans forward across table intensely]: What kind of goat did you sacrifice?
Swift: Grisson's Striped. They cost more, but they're worth every penny.
Seacrest: And now let's hear the stunning insights of our precious Season 7 winner, David Cook.
Cook: The stripped-down acoustic arrangement gave confessional depth to a frankly hackneyed song, but your tendency to sing flat is distracting.
Swift [stung]: I'm a true artist and writer and communicator. I'm not in a competition for who can get up and sing the highest note.
Cook: Is that so. Ryan?
Seacrest: This is American Idol. Our next contestant comes to us from the Big Apple to raise money for the Rock and Roll Forever Foundation. Mr. Stevie Van Zandt!
Van Zandt strides onto the stage wearing his usual jeans, t-shirt, and bandana, also carrying a guitar. Camera pans to Maureen Van Zandt in audience, smiling and applauding. Van Zandt launches into a wailing, roaring, shredding guitar solo.
Van Zandt [sings, 87 seconds later]: Reach out for me!
Camera pans to Maureen Van Zandt looked miffed. Next to her, Neal Tiemann is applauding.
DeWyze [not reading from teleprompter]: Dude. You can shred. You didn't really sing, though.
Van Zandt: I sang what there was time for. There's a 90-second limit.
DeWyze: Three words? I sing more than that in three seconds of my top 40 hot adult contemporary single "Sweet Serendipity," which you can download digitally from iTunes or buy on my debut album, Live It Up.
Van Zandt: It was how I felt the song.
McPhee: This is a singing contest, not a guitar playing contest.
Warwick [from backstage]: Yes! You go, girl!
McPhee: Singing three words doesn't really get at the meaning of the song.
Van Zandt: I sang four words. Reach. Out. For. Me. They're the title. If the title doesn't get at the meaning of the song, I don't know what does.
Cook: Stevie, that was a highly original take on an antediluvian song but I, too, would have liked to have heard more vocals.
Seacrest: Coming up next, two singers you've been waiting all night to hear. After the break!
Cook [hops over judge's table and chases down Van Zandt]: You're trying to throw it.
Van Zandt: So?
Cook: It's not sporting.
Van Zandt: They offered me triple the money for charity if I'd make sure the White Guy With Guitar went home first.
Cook: And you took it? How is that rock 'n' roll?
Van Zandt: Look. Mo got to see me on the Idol stage. My foundation gets its moolah. I get to go home and not have to sing hits of the disco era tomorrow afternoon.
Cook: Disco? You're kidding.
Seacrest [hissing]: Get back in your seat, Dave! We're almost back from break.
Clever camera work makes it seem as if Cook didn't have to make a running dive for his judge's chair.
Seacrest: This next contestant, you'll recognize from her massive hits about drinking and clubbing. Please welcome Ke$ha!
A demure blonde strolls onto the stage. Her make-up is pale and subtle. Her hair is smooth and pulled back in a flowered clip behind her neck. Her dress is modest, unsequined, and sweetly pink.
Ke$ha: I'd like to be called Kesha Rose, if you don't mind. I'm raising money for Sick Kids Foundation, which helps provide support for families of adorable children with terrible medical conditions. Its mission--
Seacrest: You don't have a sick child, do you?
Ke$ha: No, but I brought photos of adorable sick children. Wanna see?
Seacrest: Let's just put these up on the big screen. What does that kid have?
Ke$ha: This one needs a heart transplant. That one has brain cancer--
Seacrest: Ew. That one's not so cute.
Ke$ha: Cleft palate. This next one needs a new liver, and little Ty here has leukemia.
Seacrest: And you're going to sing for us.
Ke$ha: This is for all the families that are longing to bring their children home well. [sings] A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sitting there. But a chair is not a house, and a house is not a home...
Ninety seconds later, the camera pans to the judges.
DeWyze: Wow. Just wow. Have you thought about singing country?
McPhee: If you can sing like that, why do you do that speak-singing thing with the Autotune?
Ke$ha: Back in the day, I gave Dr. Luke two demos. One was a country song that I sang. One was a total piece of crap that I rapped.
Cook: That was beautifully sung, but somehow, it didn't feel true to your musical identity.
Ke$ha: My musical identity is about helping others be all they can be. Would you like to see some more photos of sick children?
Seacrest: Speaking of children, here's our final contestant. You know him. You love him. You copy his hair style. Justin Bieber!
Bieber: Wassup man? How ya doin'?
Seacrest: What charity are you here to raise money for?
Bieber: Jumpstart. It's all about early childhood education, gettin' the right start in life for kids.
Seacrest: Are any of the kids sick?
Bieber: I dunno. Not especially.
Seacrest: Then we're ready for you to wow us with your up-to-date, current, contemporary, popular, teen-friendly singing.
Bieber [sings]: The look of love is in your eyes. The look your heart can't disguise...
He performs a dance-pop version of the song, coming up to the edge of the stage to touch hands with his admirers. Tween girls in the mosh pit wave their arms.
Seacrest: That was amazing. Wasn't that amazing? And so up-to-the-minute contemporary. Lee, tell us how amazing that was.
DeWyze: Um. I guess if you like that kind of thing, it's the kind of thing you like. If you like a folk-rock sound, my debut album Live It Up is available at your local Best Buy.
Seacrest [hisses]: Don't say that name! We don't have an endorsement deal with them!
McPhee: There are some people's vocals you just can't mess with, and Dusty Springfield is one of those someones.
Cook: You made that your own, but I'd like to see you try something with greater emotional complexity.
Seacrest: And we're out of time for tonight. Tune in tomorrow for results and a new theme--and don't forget to vote your little fingers off! The number for Justin Bieber is 1-866-IDOLS-06. That's 1-866-IDOLS-06. This is American Idol: Superstar Edition.
***
It's the next day: elimination time. The judges are in their chairs with their Coke cups. Tonight, DeWyze is dressed up, McPhee is wearing a different glittery dress, and Cook's tie has the Coca-Cola logo on it.
DeWyze: Nice tie.
Cook: Guaranteed camera time. Dudes cut me off halfway through my critique of Justin Bieber.
McPhee: That may have been my fault.
Cook: Yours, they cut out entirely. Static on the whole screen.
Seacrest says his usual opening stuff, then herds the superstars out onto the stage. Lady Gaga is wearing a dress made of vegetables. Kanye West mutters about racial prejudice. Taylor Swift is protectively holding her guitar. Stevie Van Zandt looks nonchalant. Ke$ha's dress is baby blue, with butterflies printed on it. Justin Bieber looks sullen until he winks at his tween fans.
Seacrest: All six of these music stars prepared a song for tonight, but one is going to go home without singing it. Who's in our bottom two? We'll find out after this break!
While the cameras are off, Van Zandt waves to Cook and winks. Cook shrugs.
Seacrest: America voted. One of these people is going home tonight. In our bottom two, it could be... Taylor Swift!
Swift: But it's not me.
Seacrest: It is. You're in the bottom two. Go stand over there by yourself.
Swift: I can't be. I'm America's most beloved singer-songwriter. I'm authentic.
Seacrest: Judges, what did you think of Taylor Swift?
DeWyze: They want me to say you were hiding behind that guitar. But you weren't. You connect with the audience just fine.
McPhee: It's the staying-on-key thing that's the issue.
Cook: I'd have to agree. Miss Swift does fine connecting with the audience. She's not so good at connecting with the tune.
Seacrest: Is there someone who got fewer votes than Taylor Swift? Find out after the break!
While the cameras are off, Swift turns to the others and whines.
Swift: I'm authentic! I can't go home.
Van Zandt: Don't worry, babe. I'm going home tonight.
Swift: America turned on me!
Van Zandt: It's okay. You're safe.
Swift: I'm going to write a song about it. It'll be about betrayal and broken dreams and people who make decisions on superficial impressions--
Lady Gaga: Kind of like your last two albums, in fact.
Swift: Like yours are so full of artistic progression! Every video you make has a dead boyfriend.
Lady Gaga: Every song you write portrays you as needy for a man.
Seacrest: Ladies... smile for the camera. [He flashes a toothy smile at the camera] Who else is in the bottom two? Stevie Van Zandt...
Van Zandt grins and gives a peace sign as he starts to cross the stage to stand with Swift.
Seacrest: Not so fast! It is not Stevie Van Zandt! Find out who it is after the break!
Van Zandt: What do you mean, it's not me?
Seacrest: It's not you. You didn't get the lowest votes.
Van Zandt: I demand a recount.
Seacrest: You had the highest votes in the history of the show.
Van Zandt: You mean I have to sing that disco song we did in rehearsal?
Seacrest: Sucks to be you. [to camera] And we're back. Joining Taylor Swift in the circle of doom and shame is... Lady Gaga.
Lady Gaga stalks over to Taylor Swift. The two women glare at each other.
Seacrest: Judges, what did you think of Lady Gaga?
DeWyze: That song was a statement. I'm not sure what it said, but that was a statement.
McPhee: What ever happened to singing a song like it's a song?
Cook: You should be applauded for thinking out a complete concept for the song--
Lady Gaga: But I'm not being applauded. They're going to send me home.
Cook: That would be unfair. You're original. You're on-key. You connect with the audience.
Lady Gaga: My designer can give you a deal on this dress, as long as you take it without artichokes.
Cook: It's not really--
Lady Gaga: It spurts salad dressing. Your choice of Italian, Green Goddess, or ranch.
Cook: It's not quite my taste, if you see what I mean.
Seacrest: Will it be Lady Gaga or Taylor Swift who's rejected by America? And what will the survivors, including contemporary, up-to-the-minute, teen-friendly Justin Bieber, do with the greatest hits of the disco era? Find out after the break...
TO BE CONTINUED
The behavior of the Season 9 contestants toward Warwick's car owes somewhat to this thread on MJ's Big Blog, while McPhee's relationship with Capra aegagrus hircus also comes from a past joke somewhere on that site.
Cook's cell phone plays the American Idol theme song.
Cook: There's only one person who gets that ring tone.
ACook: The blond chick at the party the other night?
Cook: No. Ken Warwick.
ACook: Holy borefest, Batman! Is he asking you to come save Idol by singing every week?
Cook [answers phone]: Hey.
Warwick: Davemeister! I hear you've got a couple weeks free between finishing that album of yours and starting promotion for it.
Cook: That depends what you call "free"--
Warwick: I have just the thing to give you some much-needed promo after you've been off the radar for so long.
Cook: Dude. I've been at public events every month. My songs in recurrents never die. I'm not exactly absent from the public consciousness.
Warwick: If you're not on my teevee every week, you're absent from my consciousness, and that's what counts. But I've got just the thing. We're going to do a short series of All-Star Idols--
Cook: No.
Warwick: What do you mean, "no"?
Cook: No. Like, "no means no."
Warwick: No?
Cook: No. No, I will not compete against Kelly Clarkson and Taylor Hicks to prove which of us is the real superstar. No.
Warwick: Daverino, you break my heart. My plan was nothing like that. Nothing! The stars are going to compete on Idol to win money for their favorite charities and you, sir, you are going to be one of the judges.
Cook: Why?
Warwick: Each judge will earn $20,000 for a charity of their choice.
Cook: Dude. My fans can raise twenty grand in under 45 minutes.
Warwick: You're one of the major successes of the show.
Cook: Really?
Warwick: People remember you as one of the most original contestants ever.
Cook: Even when I was hiding behind my guitar?
Warwick: Davonanna-bonana-fanna-fo! You never hid behind that guitar. You were exultantly present with your guitar. You and the guitar--
Cook: How many weeks is this?
Warwick: Two. Three nights a week for two weeks. It just fits your schedule.
Cook: Make it 100 grand and we have a deal.
Warwick: Fifty thousand is my final offer.
Cook: No can do.
Warwick: Seventy-five.
Cook: I think I have to wash my hair that night. All twelve of them. Thirteen? Sh*t. I've lost count since I started with the current stylist. She goes a little short on the sides, though.
Warwick: Eighty thousand for charity and you get Simon's seat.
Cook: Dude. That means you didn't get Kelly Clarkson.
Warwick: You drive a hard bargain, Dave-my-man. A century of super-simoleons it is. [pause] By the way, do you have Lee DeWyze's number?
Cook: He's been sleeping on my couch the past couple weeks. Hang on. [takes phone into next room, where a sleepy Lee DeWyze is wrapped in a blanket, watching the Cartoon Channel] Dude. Ken Warwick wants to talk with you.
DeWyze: Sh*t. I hope he didn't find out about the car. [to phone] Mr. Warwick! Great to hear from you.
Cook goes back in the kitchen and decides on peanut butter pancakes with chocolate chips. As he's finishing cooking the second batch, DeWyze wanders in, rubbing his eyes.
DeWyze: Dude. You won't believe this.
Cook: After what we've been through, you'd be amazed what I'd believe. Want a pancake?
DeWyze: Seriously. Mr. Warwick asked me to be a judge on a special American Idol where big music stars will compete to win money for their favorite charities.
ACook: D'ya think he got Kris Allen for the third seat?
DeWyze: I was so worried he'd find out about when we sh*t in his car.
Cook: We?
DeWyze: All of the season 9 finalists. It was Big Mike's idea. Crystal laid down the biggest, smelliest turd, though. Mine was kinda dinky. I hadn't gotten a lot of fiber that week.
***
Cook and DeWyze have arrived at Ken Warwick's offices for an orientation meeting about this Idol special gig. In the reception area, they find a slender and attractive brunette waiting.
Cook: Kat McPhee?
McPhee: David Cook! And you must be Andrew Cook.
DeWyze: Actually, I'm Lee DeWyze.
McPhee: Ah. You were on that show... uh...
DeWyze: American Idol.
McPhee: No, not that one. That other show...
DeWyze: Yes, that one. I won it last year.
McPhee: Really? Fancy that.
Cook [hustling to change subject]: That's an interesting necklace you're wearing. Are those miniature cowbells?
McPhee: Goat bells, actually. Each one is a memento of a goat that was sacrificed in order to keep me in the PR spotlight.
Cook: Ah...
McPhee: We'd just sacrificed a fresh one on Tuesday, when I got the call from Ken--
Warwick's voice from office: What do you mean, Caleb Followill backed out?
Warwick's voice: I don't want to hear about his rock cred. We need a third male contestant and we need him now.
Realizing that they're overhearing one end of a phone conversation, Cook, DeWyze, and McPhee tactfully do the right thing and slide closer to the slightly ajar door of Warwick's office to get a better earful.
Warwick: Well, get John Lennon, then.
Warwick: What do you mean, he's dead? We've used his music on the show every year since 2008.
Warwick: Yes, I know what "dead" means. Fine, get me John Denver.
Warwick: Dead? Okay, Freddy Mercury. That'll wake up the cougars.
Warwick: Fine. Michael Jackson. He can't be dead. He has an album charting.
Cook gently knocks on the office door, then peeks in.
Cook: Ken, how about Eminem? He's got an album charting, and he's not dead.
Warwick: I'm not having a giant dancing piece of candy on my show. In my day, son, we had voices.
DeWyze [to Cook]: Aren't you friends with Bruce Springsteen?
Cook: He'd never do this. But I know who might be talked into it.
***
It's the first night of American Idol: Superstars!. Cook, DeWyze, and McPhee are backstage. Cook is sartorially splendid in a three-piece suit. McPhee glitters in an evening gown. DeWyze is wearing jeans and a hoodie.
DeWyze: Wow. It's weird to be on this side of the stage.
McPhee: We're not on stage yet. Why didn't you dress up?
DeWyze: Mr. Warwick told me judges are supposed to be casual. I asked if this outfit was okay, and he said it was perfect.
Cook: I wonder why nobody's told us who the contestants are or what the theme is. We weren't even invited to rehearsals.
Ken Warwick enters.
Warwick: Kids! I've got a great idea! Let's have the three of you enter singing. That'll remind the audience what they loved you for.
McPhee: Can we sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"?
Cook: No.
McPhee: Why "no"? Can't you hit all the notes?
Cook: I mean, no, we're not going to enter singing. We're the judges. We shouldn't be doing cheesy group sings.
DeWyze: Damn. I wanted to do that chest-bump thing you used to do with Michael Johns.
Warwick: You're going to sing a medley of Hal David-Burt Bacharach hits!
Cook: No.
Warwick: But they have seventy Top 40 hits! It'll be a Moment.
DeWyze: Can I have a bagpipe player?
Cook: No. We haven't rehearsed, and it's cheesy. Are we to gather that the David-Bacharach songbook is tonight's theme?
Warwick: Aren't you the smart boy! Yes, for this show, we're making sure the contestants use songs by established hitmakers, not the drek that Season 9 bunch chose.
Cook and McPhee look at DeWyze. DeWyze looks at the floor.
DeWyze: So what order do we sit in?
***
Cook does indeed get the Simon Cowell chair. For gender balance, McPhee is in the middle, so DeWyze gets Randy Jackson's usual seat.
Ryan Seacrest [on stage]: ...And now let's meet our first contestant...
A slender blond woman strides in. Her platinum hair is elaborately pouffed on her head. Her giant sunglasses cover half her face. Her dress appears to be made of pancakes.
Ryan Seacrest: Lady Gaga, tell us about the charity you're competing to earn money for.
Lady Gaga: My charity is the Lupus Foundation of America. Lupus is the invisible ravager--
Seacrest: Excuse me, but you have lupus, right?
Lady Gaga: Not exactly. The results were borderline positive.
Seacrest: But someone in your family has lupus.
Lady Gaga: No. Some of my little monsters do, though. This under-recognized condition could be silently affecting people close to you--
Seacrest: But it's not affecting you?
Lady Gaga: It potentially affects all of us. Just because someone doesn't look sick--
Seacrest: If you don't have a tragic story to share, I think you'd better sing. Ladies and gentlemen, Lady Gaga!
Lady Gaga: I'm singing this for the freaks and the monsters, so you'll know there's someone who cares about you. [sings] What the world needs now is lo lo la oh gaga sweet love--
After she is done with a dramatic performance that involves spurting maple syrup from an apparent cut to her throat, the judges look at one another, then down at their teleprompter screens.
DeWyze [reading]: Dawg. That was just a'ight. [mutters] What the hell?
McPhee: You were amazing. You brought yourself and you brought it. We knew it was you, and you were you and you were love, and the song was love.
Cook [not looking at his screen]: Is that dress made of pancakes?
Lady Gaga: Yes. Why?
Cook: Could you make sure I get the name of the designer?
DeWyze: Dude. You are not going to perform in an outfit made of pancakes.
Cook: Of course not. But someday, the right chick in a dress like that could make for an interesting home life.
Seacrest: Vote for Lady Gaga at 1-866-IDOLS-01. [Gaga holds up 1 finger.] Moving right along--
Cook: I didn't do my critique yet.
Seacrest: We're short on time and look! Here's Kanye West.
Kanye West [sings]: What's new pussycat? Woah. Woah. What's new pussycat? Whoa Whoa. Pussycat, pussycat, I've got flowers and lots of hours to spend with you. [breaks into rap] Pussy with an haitch is that a hussy or am I pushy? You're a cat and I'm a dog. Hot dog! Not lookin' for a hallway, do mah pushin' in a small way. [sings] So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose.
Seacrest: Tell us why you picked that song.
West: I like pussy.
Seacrest: And you're raising money for a humane society...
West [looks at him like he's crazy]: I have my own foundation that keeps African-American and Latino youth in school so they know you don't have to be a dropout to be a gangsta. Finishing high school is important.
Seacrest: How'd you do in high school?
West: Got A's and B's. I'm not even frontin'. I'll really have a problem if I don't win this whole thing.
Seacrest: Well, good luck. 1-866-IDOLS-02. Now our third contestant--
Cook: Wait! We haven't given our critiques at all.
Seacrest: --got her start when she was only 17. Hear her take on a classic after this important message.
Show goes to commercial.
Cook: We didn't get to critique Kanye West. Ryan, you can't do that.
Seacrest: Cookie, schedule is king. It's all about the ad time.
Cook: So I'll hold up my Coke cup while I talk. We're here to judge.
Seacrest: You're making a big deal over nothing--
Cook: I'm being paid to judge--
Seacrest: You're being paid to be the one recognizable face we could get for this gig. Smile and look pretty for your cougar fans. Nobody cares what you have to say about music.
Cook [sets Coke cup down]: Come on, Lee. There's an Always Sunny marathon tonight, and you'll get a kick out of the show.
DeWyze: What?
Cook: We're going home.
DeWyze: I... how many more times will I ever get to be on network TV?
Cook: I thought it was all about the music with you.
DeWyze: You're not struggling to get your music heard.
Cook: There's humiliation that's not worth it.
DeWyze: Dude. My best gig so far was the result of my being humiliated over that National Anthem thing with the Bears and the opera singer.
Ken Warwick [entering in clouds of glory]: Children, children, what is the trouble here?
Cook: If you just need three faces for the camera to pan over occasionally, there are plenty of dudes who look roughly like me and will work cheaper.
Warwick [to Seacrest]: Give them their two minutes, Ryan. You know fans cream their panties when Daverino works the vocab. Say Davemeister, can you work in "antediluvian"?
Cook: Unless you've updated the song lists, I'm sure there will be plenty of occasions.
Seacrest [to camera]: And we're back. This third contestant got her start when she was only seventeen. Miss Taylor Swift!
Taylor Swift enters, holding guitar. Seacrest sidles up next to her and puts an arm around her.
Swift: Hi, Ryan. I'm here to raise money to protect children from online predators.
Seacrest [removing arm]: I feel distanced, somehow.
Swift [sings as she strums]: Only love can break a heart. Only love can mend it. Last night I hurt you, but darlin', remember this. Only love can break a heart. Only love can mend it again.
After an emotional performance in which Swift is flat only three times, Seacrest turns to the cameras.
Seacrest: Now let's hear what priceless words of wisdom our judges have to share.
DeWyze [reading from teleprompter]: I wish you weren't hiding behind your guitar so much. All that plunka-plunka. [in normal voice] What? I don't think that. Miss Swift, I loved that performance. Thank you for sharing it with us.
McPhee [leans forward across table intensely]: What kind of goat did you sacrifice?
Swift: Grisson's Striped. They cost more, but they're worth every penny.
Seacrest: And now let's hear the stunning insights of our precious Season 7 winner, David Cook.
Cook: The stripped-down acoustic arrangement gave confessional depth to a frankly hackneyed song, but your tendency to sing flat is distracting.
Swift [stung]: I'm a true artist and writer and communicator. I'm not in a competition for who can get up and sing the highest note.
Cook: Is that so. Ryan?
Seacrest: This is American Idol. Our next contestant comes to us from the Big Apple to raise money for the Rock and Roll Forever Foundation. Mr. Stevie Van Zandt!
Van Zandt strides onto the stage wearing his usual jeans, t-shirt, and bandana, also carrying a guitar. Camera pans to Maureen Van Zandt in audience, smiling and applauding. Van Zandt launches into a wailing, roaring, shredding guitar solo.
Van Zandt [sings, 87 seconds later]: Reach out for me!
Camera pans to Maureen Van Zandt looked miffed. Next to her, Neal Tiemann is applauding.
DeWyze [not reading from teleprompter]: Dude. You can shred. You didn't really sing, though.
Van Zandt: I sang what there was time for. There's a 90-second limit.
DeWyze: Three words? I sing more than that in three seconds of my top 40 hot adult contemporary single "Sweet Serendipity," which you can download digitally from iTunes or buy on my debut album, Live It Up.
Van Zandt: It was how I felt the song.
McPhee: This is a singing contest, not a guitar playing contest.
Warwick [from backstage]: Yes! You go, girl!
McPhee: Singing three words doesn't really get at the meaning of the song.
Van Zandt: I sang four words. Reach. Out. For. Me. They're the title. If the title doesn't get at the meaning of the song, I don't know what does.
Cook: Stevie, that was a highly original take on an antediluvian song but I, too, would have liked to have heard more vocals.
Seacrest: Coming up next, two singers you've been waiting all night to hear. After the break!
Cook [hops over judge's table and chases down Van Zandt]: You're trying to throw it.
Van Zandt: So?
Cook: It's not sporting.
Van Zandt: They offered me triple the money for charity if I'd make sure the White Guy With Guitar went home first.
Cook: And you took it? How is that rock 'n' roll?
Van Zandt: Look. Mo got to see me on the Idol stage. My foundation gets its moolah. I get to go home and not have to sing hits of the disco era tomorrow afternoon.
Cook: Disco? You're kidding.
Seacrest [hissing]: Get back in your seat, Dave! We're almost back from break.
Clever camera work makes it seem as if Cook didn't have to make a running dive for his judge's chair.
Seacrest: This next contestant, you'll recognize from her massive hits about drinking and clubbing. Please welcome Ke$ha!
A demure blonde strolls onto the stage. Her make-up is pale and subtle. Her hair is smooth and pulled back in a flowered clip behind her neck. Her dress is modest, unsequined, and sweetly pink.
Ke$ha: I'd like to be called Kesha Rose, if you don't mind. I'm raising money for Sick Kids Foundation, which helps provide support for families of adorable children with terrible medical conditions. Its mission--
Seacrest: You don't have a sick child, do you?
Ke$ha: No, but I brought photos of adorable sick children. Wanna see?
Seacrest: Let's just put these up on the big screen. What does that kid have?
Ke$ha: This one needs a heart transplant. That one has brain cancer--
Seacrest: Ew. That one's not so cute.
Ke$ha: Cleft palate. This next one needs a new liver, and little Ty here has leukemia.
Seacrest: And you're going to sing for us.
Ke$ha: This is for all the families that are longing to bring their children home well. [sings] A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sitting there. But a chair is not a house, and a house is not a home...
Ninety seconds later, the camera pans to the judges.
DeWyze: Wow. Just wow. Have you thought about singing country?
McPhee: If you can sing like that, why do you do that speak-singing thing with the Autotune?
Ke$ha: Back in the day, I gave Dr. Luke two demos. One was a country song that I sang. One was a total piece of crap that I rapped.
Cook: That was beautifully sung, but somehow, it didn't feel true to your musical identity.
Ke$ha: My musical identity is about helping others be all they can be. Would you like to see some more photos of sick children?
Seacrest: Speaking of children, here's our final contestant. You know him. You love him. You copy his hair style. Justin Bieber!
Bieber: Wassup man? How ya doin'?
Seacrest: What charity are you here to raise money for?
Bieber: Jumpstart. It's all about early childhood education, gettin' the right start in life for kids.
Seacrest: Are any of the kids sick?
Bieber: I dunno. Not especially.
Seacrest: Then we're ready for you to wow us with your up-to-date, current, contemporary, popular, teen-friendly singing.
Bieber [sings]: The look of love is in your eyes. The look your heart can't disguise...
He performs a dance-pop version of the song, coming up to the edge of the stage to touch hands with his admirers. Tween girls in the mosh pit wave their arms.
Seacrest: That was amazing. Wasn't that amazing? And so up-to-the-minute contemporary. Lee, tell us how amazing that was.
DeWyze: Um. I guess if you like that kind of thing, it's the kind of thing you like. If you like a folk-rock sound, my debut album Live It Up is available at your local Best Buy.
Seacrest [hisses]: Don't say that name! We don't have an endorsement deal with them!
McPhee: There are some people's vocals you just can't mess with, and Dusty Springfield is one of those someones.
Cook: You made that your own, but I'd like to see you try something with greater emotional complexity.
Seacrest: And we're out of time for tonight. Tune in tomorrow for results and a new theme--and don't forget to vote your little fingers off! The number for Justin Bieber is 1-866-IDOLS-06. That's 1-866-IDOLS-06. This is American Idol: Superstar Edition.
***
It's the next day: elimination time. The judges are in their chairs with their Coke cups. Tonight, DeWyze is dressed up, McPhee is wearing a different glittery dress, and Cook's tie has the Coca-Cola logo on it.
DeWyze: Nice tie.
Cook: Guaranteed camera time. Dudes cut me off halfway through my critique of Justin Bieber.
McPhee: That may have been my fault.
Cook: Yours, they cut out entirely. Static on the whole screen.
Seacrest says his usual opening stuff, then herds the superstars out onto the stage. Lady Gaga is wearing a dress made of vegetables. Kanye West mutters about racial prejudice. Taylor Swift is protectively holding her guitar. Stevie Van Zandt looks nonchalant. Ke$ha's dress is baby blue, with butterflies printed on it. Justin Bieber looks sullen until he winks at his tween fans.
Seacrest: All six of these music stars prepared a song for tonight, but one is going to go home without singing it. Who's in our bottom two? We'll find out after this break!
While the cameras are off, Van Zandt waves to Cook and winks. Cook shrugs.
Seacrest: America voted. One of these people is going home tonight. In our bottom two, it could be... Taylor Swift!
Swift: But it's not me.
Seacrest: It is. You're in the bottom two. Go stand over there by yourself.
Swift: I can't be. I'm America's most beloved singer-songwriter. I'm authentic.
Seacrest: Judges, what did you think of Taylor Swift?
DeWyze: They want me to say you were hiding behind that guitar. But you weren't. You connect with the audience just fine.
McPhee: It's the staying-on-key thing that's the issue.
Cook: I'd have to agree. Miss Swift does fine connecting with the audience. She's not so good at connecting with the tune.
Seacrest: Is there someone who got fewer votes than Taylor Swift? Find out after the break!
While the cameras are off, Swift turns to the others and whines.
Swift: I'm authentic! I can't go home.
Van Zandt: Don't worry, babe. I'm going home tonight.
Swift: America turned on me!
Van Zandt: It's okay. You're safe.
Swift: I'm going to write a song about it. It'll be about betrayal and broken dreams and people who make decisions on superficial impressions--
Lady Gaga: Kind of like your last two albums, in fact.
Swift: Like yours are so full of artistic progression! Every video you make has a dead boyfriend.
Lady Gaga: Every song you write portrays you as needy for a man.
Seacrest: Ladies... smile for the camera. [He flashes a toothy smile at the camera] Who else is in the bottom two? Stevie Van Zandt...
Van Zandt grins and gives a peace sign as he starts to cross the stage to stand with Swift.
Seacrest: Not so fast! It is not Stevie Van Zandt! Find out who it is after the break!
Van Zandt: What do you mean, it's not me?
Seacrest: It's not you. You didn't get the lowest votes.
Van Zandt: I demand a recount.
Seacrest: You had the highest votes in the history of the show.
Van Zandt: You mean I have to sing that disco song we did in rehearsal?
Seacrest: Sucks to be you. [to camera] And we're back. Joining Taylor Swift in the circle of doom and shame is... Lady Gaga.
Lady Gaga stalks over to Taylor Swift. The two women glare at each other.
Seacrest: Judges, what did you think of Lady Gaga?
DeWyze: That song was a statement. I'm not sure what it said, but that was a statement.
McPhee: What ever happened to singing a song like it's a song?
Cook: You should be applauded for thinking out a complete concept for the song--
Lady Gaga: But I'm not being applauded. They're going to send me home.
Cook: That would be unfair. You're original. You're on-key. You connect with the audience.
Lady Gaga: My designer can give you a deal on this dress, as long as you take it without artichokes.
Cook: It's not really--
Lady Gaga: It spurts salad dressing. Your choice of Italian, Green Goddess, or ranch.
Cook: It's not quite my taste, if you see what I mean.
Seacrest: Will it be Lady Gaga or Taylor Swift who's rejected by America? And what will the survivors, including contemporary, up-to-the-minute, teen-friendly Justin Bieber, do with the greatest hits of the disco era? Find out after the break...
TO BE CONTINUED
The behavior of the Season 9 contestants toward Warwick's car owes somewhat to this thread on MJ's Big Blog, while McPhee's relationship with Capra aegagrus hircus also comes from a past joke somewhere on that site.
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Another great chapter
Date: 2011-01-22 03:45 am (UTC)Thanks for another fine read.
NEMO