![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eilonwyhasemuBefore the break, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift were glowering in the bottom two. After commercials for Ford, Coke, Denny's, and an exciting new development in adult incontinence products, we're back! This is American Idol: Superstars Edition.
Ryan Seacrest: Who did America reject--
David Cook: That's "whom," Ryan.
Ryan: What?
Cook: Not "who did America reject?" Whom did America reject? Not that America's really rejected either, since Taylor Swift's last album sold over a million copies in its opening week and ended the year triple-platinum, while Lady Gaga has sold over 15 million albums and 51 million singles.
Seacrest: You're just full of information tonight, Dave, aren't you?
Cook: Yup.
Katharine McPhee [hisses to Cook]: What are you doing?
Cook: It's simple. Just turn the sentence around so whoever-it-is moves to the normal spot at the end. You wouldn't say "America rejected she"--
McPhee: Not that! Baiting Ryan.
Lee DeWyze [under his breath, to both McPhee and Cook]: He's vicious when roused.
Cook: Good clean, family fun. [to Seacrest] You were saying, sir?
Seacrest: Which of these fine, high-selling blonde songstresses did America send home tonight? Find out--
Kanye West: Imma let you finish, but if you say "after the break," Imma break yo face.
Stevie Van Zandt: Only if I don't get there first.
Ke$ha Rose: I'm exuding thoughts of peaceful harmony.
Justin Bieber: Yeah, wassup widdat? You used to be sleazy.
Seacrest: Right now! Lady Gaga, you're going home. And for your sing-out, America is going to be favored with a very special duet wih a very special Grammy-nominated singer who... whom... who...
Cook: Whom!
Seacrest: Whom you wrote this song for.
The moody opening bars of a familiar tune play. Lady Gaga's vegetable dress rustles menacingly as she pauses in her stroll to center stage, looking puzzled.
DeWyze [to Cook]: Isn't there something wrong about how that sentence ended?
Cook: There's a lot wrong with how that sentence ended. Listen carefully.
Dramatic lighting effects ensue as a platform descends, bearing (in a green satin tux ornamented with rhinestone cauliflower and endive-like ruffles, plus a matching top hat with a tumnescent carrot)... Adam Lambert!
Lambert [sings]: Hey, slow it down! Whataya want from me? Whataya want from me!
Lady Gaga: Hey! That's not my song!
Lambert [sings]: Yeah, I'm afraid. Whataya want--
Lady Gaga: Stop!
The music straggles to a halt as the platform stops its descent in midair. Lambert kneels at the edge of the platform (keeping a grip on his top hat) and looks over.
Lambert: Gaga? You didn't write this song.
Gaga: I know.
Ken Warwick [thinking, erroneously, he's on a private mic]: Ryan, what the [bleep!] is going on? She wrote that song.
Seacrest: I told you she didn't write that song.
Warwick: Of course she wrote that song. How many edgy platinum blonde dance-pop songwriters can there be out there? It's obviously a Madonna song.
Gaga: Do I look like Madonna?
Lambert: Kinda. [He sits on the edge of his platform, dangling his legs. His socks have purple glitter.] That's okay. I'm basically a clean-cut Iggy Pop you can introduce to your grandma.
Lady Gaga: I. did. not. write that song. I wrote this song. [sings] There he goes, my baby walks so slow, sexual tic-tac-toe--
Lambert: I'm not Grammy-nominated for that song, though.
Gaga: Well, [bleep!] that, neither am I. But I'm not singing a Pink song.
Warwick: Sounds like the same song to me. Ryan, make them sing!
Seacrest: There must be something you two could agree to sing.
Lambert and Gaga stare at each other He hops off his platform and whispers in her ear. She smiles and nods. He goes to the band leader, has a consultation, and comes back.
Lambert [sings]: I'm your biggest fan--
Lady Gaga and Lambert [singing together]: I'll follow you until you love me, papa-paparazzi. Baby, there's no other superstar. You know that I'll be papa-paparazzi.
Lambert: Promise I'll be kind! But I won't stop until that boy is mine!
Lady Gaga and Lambert: Baby, you'll be famous, chase you down until you love me, papa-paparazzi!
The impromptu performance ends in a glitter of strobe lights and applause, plus a spurt of salad dressing from Lady Gaga's frock, after which she steals and bites Lambert's carrot.
Seacrest: And that's goodbye to Lady Gaga, and to our own Adam Lambert...
Lambert and Cook look at one another with roughly the expression of male cats who feel an attachment to the same bird-filled bit of shrubbery.
Cook: Let's pull up a chair over here for Mr. Lambert.
Seacrest: Then after the break, it's a disco inferno!
Lambert [joining the judges at a spot between Cook and McPhee]: Dude. Dudette. Dude.
DeWyze: Dude.
McPhee: Shiny.
Cook: Dude. The eighties are back.
Lambert: The eighties are back. In all but high album sales and really big hair. [pause] You're kinda rockin' the spiky bedhead look.
Cook: It's my proprietary hair glue. I whip it up in my Kitchenaid mixer. Uses the same ingredients as for marshmallows.
Lambert: Sounds scrumptious. I love whipping up something stiff and sticky.
Seacrest: And we're back! Just moments after avoiding rejection by America, here's Taylor Swift to give us her interpretation of the dance-friendly disco sound.
Taylor Swift [sings, accompanying herself on the guitar]: For so long, you and me been finding each other for so long. And the feeling that I feel for you is more then strong, boy. I, I just want to be your everything. Open up the heaven in your heart and let me be the things you are to me and not some puppet on a string...
At the end of a lyrical country-western version of the song, Swift smiles and looks nervously at the judges.
DeWyze: Miss Swift, I really enjoyed how you played down the driving disco beat. Am I imagining it, or did you change it to a waltz time signature?
Cook: She changed it to 6/8.
DeWyze: You're sure?
Cook: Dude. I know 6/8. It softens the flow of the song--
DeWyze: Well, and just eliminating the four-on-the-floor bass--
Cook: 6/8 is also the logical time signature to choose because disco's sixteenth-note divisions of the bass gives you a quicker-moving feel you don't necessarily want to lose--
Swift: Exactly. I wanted to retain the sense of urgency in the song.
Ken Warwick [interrupting on secret mic]: Just tell her to stop hiding behind the guitar and move along.
DeWyze: Handling the music creatively--
Warwick: Kill Lee's and Dave's mics, give me 15 seconds on Kat, ready, NOW!
McPhee [talking fast]: Your vocals were much better this time. Now don't forget, I want the email for your source of goats.
Seacrest: Next up! Another person who hides behind his guitar, Stevie Van Zandt!
Van Zandt plants himself in the middle of the stage, adjust his bandana, and rocks out with major guitar hero action. [wails]: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyybeeeeeeee! My heart is full of love and desire for you! Now come on down and do what you gotta do. [camera pans to a pleased-looking Maureen Van Zandt] You started this fire down in my soul. Now can't you see it's burning out of control?
He ends with an impressive guitar solo. Camera pans to smiling and applauding Maureen Van Zandt, Neal Tiemann, and Monty Anderson.
DeWyze: Dude. That wasn't just-- [realizes his mic is still off and grabs McPhee's] That wasn't just a change to highlight the guitar. Your arrangement rocked it up.
Cook: He took the bass off the two and the four beats and let the snare carry it.
DeWyze: But what I'm wondering is--
Warwick: That's ENOUGH. Kat, talk!
McPhee [grabbing mic back]: You sang more words this time. I liked that.
Seacrest: Since we have the opportunity, let's hear what international superstar Adam Lambert has to say about Stevie Van Zandt's performance.
Lambert: I wouldn't presume to give Stevie Van Zandt criticism. He's a rock icon.
Seacrest: But speaking as one superstar to another--
Lambert: I'm not a superstar.
Seacrest: Of course you're a superstar. Your press releases say so.
Lambert: Babe, you have to weigh common sense when reading those.
Seacrest: What common sense? Anyone who looks at you sees star power.
Lambert: I've had one album that's sold a bit over a million worldwide, plus a top 10 single on the Billboard Hot 100 and a couple other singles that did pretty well. Nobody takes seriously putting me in a class with artists who've sold multiple millions or defined the sound of their times. Not me. Not my fans.
Warwick: Would someone shut him up, please?
Lambert: Not even my mom, and moms can be kinda over-the-top. When you say "superstar," you're talking about where I want to get, not where I am.
Cook [to Lambert]: I'm totally with you on the sentiment, but you've just made it really hard for me to critique anyone here.
Lambert: Oops. Sorry, man.
Van Zandt: Talk to me like a fellow musician, Dave.
Cook: It was a compelling arrangement, but the way you cut the song eliminated most of the internal tension--
Warwick: CUT HIM OFF! No music talk! Move the show along!
Seacrest: Next up is Kanye West, and he's got the funk.
West [sings]: Do ya wanna funk? Won't you tell me now? If you wanna funk, I can show ya how. Do ya wanna funk with me? [raps] Funk that, honky cat. Cat got your tongue? I'm hungover and low-hung, and you been cattin' around with the mayor of Funkytown. [sings] Do ya wanna funk with me?
Seacrest [realizing there's time to fill]: So tell us, what inspired you to choose that song?
West: I like funking.
Seacrest: Let's hear from our judges.
DeWyze: Was I imagining it, or were your backup singers doing "Funky Town" the whole time?
West: Imma admit it, your ears do not deceive you.
DeWyze: Rad. Did you know I sang back-up on a hip hop song?
West: No joke. I wouldn't have made you for a brother.
DeWyze: I was at the stage of doing whatever it took to get some attention--
West: Dude, you was a featured artist. That's a starting place for a lot of talent.
Warwick [not realizing his secret mic is public again]: Enough with the music chit-chat, already. We've already established you're not qualified to critique these superstars.
Lambert [under his breath]: Sh*t.
DeWyze: I'm talking with Kanye West as a fellow musician. Right, guys?
West: Damn straight, bro.
Cook: Works for me.
DeWyze: That'd be a fellow musician with three albums under his belt.
Warwick: With the whole Idol machine behind you, you couldn't sell gold.
DeWyze: So? That doesn't mean I've never learned anything about songwriting.
Warwick: Go to commercial. Now! [to DeWyze] You're going to be back to leading the house band for the Chicago sports report before the confetti hits the floor at the send of this season.
DeWyze: Tell me something half the Idolverse hasn't told me already.
Warwick: You're a disgrace to the Idol franchise. [to McPhee] And so are you. [looks at Lambert and Cook] And you two are pretty damned close to it. No matter how much we hype you, not one of you measures up to Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood.
DeWyze: Then why'd you cast us?
Warwick: What?
DeWyze: Why'd you cast us? You're the executive producer. You have 10,000 auditioners every year. If we're all such disappointments, why'd you cast us?
Warwick: You weren't supposed to win.
Cook: If you don't want musicians to win, you shouldn't stick us with antediluvian songs that we have to rearrange if we aren't going to be told we're karaoke.
Warwick [tipping his head at Lambert]: He isn't a musician.
Lambert: The hell I'm not. My voice is my instrument. Just because I don't play a guitar, that doesn't mean I'm ignorant.
DeWyze: You still haven't answered why you cast us.
Warwick: Colorful cannon fodder!
Cook: Thanks for sharing.
Warwick: Not you. There's a chance you'll blow 'em away on your sophomore album, in which case I always knew you were a winner. Him.
DeWyze: Are you saying there were musicians better than me or Crystal or anyone else in the top 24 that you turned down because you wanted to cast some people who were certain to lose?
Warwick: Lose? You were supposed to crash and burn. Put the whole guitar-playing rocker franchise out of business. Instead, you and Crystal and Andrew and Casey spent the whole season putting audiences to sleep.
DeWyze: If we were so boring, why didn't you tell us to do something different?
Warwick: I did everything I could. I sent him [points to Lambert] to mentor you.
Lambert: Not that I didn't enjoy the Elvis schtick and the Vegas schtick, but did you ever think that was maybe a little indirect?
Warwick: I sent Miley Cyrus to mentor you.
Cook: You had them mentored by a teenager who makes a living off not knowing her own musical identity?
Lambert [sings]: I can't be shaved. I can't be bathed.
DeWyze: She reminds me of a goat.
Lambert: I'd already revived that Fosse-esque choreography in my video for "For Your Entertainment," too. I liked her wings, though.
McPhee: Goats for the win!
DeWyze: I meant her vocals, not her PR techniques.
McPhee: Oh.
Warwick: Know your places. Now. This time, I mean it.
Seacrest: And we're BACK with our fresh, contemporary artist, Justin Bieber, who's here to show us what a modern sound sounds like.
Justin Bieber: Wassup man?
Seacrest: You're about to show us what fresh, contemporary singing sounds like.
Justin Bieber: Yo. [sings] She sits alone, waiting for suggestions. He's so nervous, avoiding all the questions. His lips are dry. Her heart is gently pounding. Don't you just know exactly what they're thinking?
Bieber is up to the edge of the stage, touching the hands of his tween fans. Lambert has a hand over his face to hide a mixture of chortles and horrified awe. Not being a disco afficionado, Cook is 20 seconds behind Lambert on this one, but his expression when he realizes what's happening strongly resembles a stuffed moose stifling a fit of hiccups.
Bieber [sings]: If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on sugar, let me know. If you really need me, just reach out and touch me. Come on, honey, tell me so.
Bieber finishes to shrieks of "We love you, Justin!"
Seacrest: Let's hear what our illustrious panel of judges early in their careers have to say.
DeWyze: It was a little karaoke to me.
McPhee: I have no words.
Lambert: I'm not sure America was ready for that.
Cook: This song may have been a little old for you. I would also have liked to hear more effort to change it up, for instance--
Warwick [in secret mic, which is now again secret]: Don't we have a commercial coming up? RYAN!
Seacrest: And it's time for an important message from our sponsors. Don't forget that the number for contemporary, fresh Justin Bieber is 1-866-IDOLS-04. That's 1-866-IDOLS-04. [Bieber flashes four fingers.]
McPhee [to Lambert]: You know, if you think about stars mostly as objects that glitter, you do that a lot. And you're very shiny.
Lambert: Thanks.
McPhee: I've found that sacrificing a goat moves the PR right along.
Lambert: Thanks, but what the tabloids would make of a gay man and a dead goat does not excite me.
DeWyze: I thought your schtick was being edgy and controversial.
Lambert: For my beliefs, man. For my beliefs. I believe in freedom of expression, self-actualization, and spreading the love. Slaughtering odd-toed ungulates is nowhere on that list.
Cook: Even-toed.
Lambert: What?
Cook: Goats are even-toed ungulates. Horses are odd-toed.
McPhee: How do you even know this stuff?
Cook: It's amazing what you come across when you're working with a tough rhyme scheme.
Seacrest: And we're BACK! Our last contestant of the night is Miss Kesha Rose Sebert, who plans to close the evening literally on a high note.
Ke$ha, in her blue dress with butterflies, positions herself under a single white spotlight.
Ke$ha: I want to dedicate this song to Jesus. [sings in sweet gospel tones] I need you, by me, beside me to guide me, to hold me, to scold me, 'cause when I'm bad, I'm so, so bad. [music soars] Let's dance the last dance. Let's dance the last dance. Let's dance this last dance tonight!
The song builds to a crescendo. Doves are released.
Seacrest: That was a Moment. Now let's hear what our judges think.
DeWyze [reading from monitor]: That was a Moment. [pauses] You know, I have nothing to lose--
McPhee: Lee! Just play along.
DeWyze: Why? What difference could it make to me? Yeah, I got the big contract for winning, but I've been ridiculed and humiliated every day since. All this for wanting to make a living by making music. Why the hell shouldn't I say--
McPhee: Trust me. There's a very big reason.
Cook: For all that I'm Mr. Tactful, I'm with Lee on this one. It's a matter of musical integrity.
McPhee: It's not worth it.
Cook: What's he going to do, take away our titles?
McPhee: Worse than that.
Cook: I've always played nicely with Idol. But I've also spent the past two years paying my dues as a serious musician. My producer respects me. My label respects me. My peers respect me. Some of the music press is showing signs of respecting me. Nobody can take that away from me.
Lambert: That's even more exciting than your hair glue recipe.
McPhee: You don't understand. It's worse than anything you could imagine.
DeWyze: Then that bogeyman's just gonna have to come get me. Ke$ha, what I really think is--
TO BE CONTINUED
Ryan Seacrest: Who did America reject--
David Cook: That's "whom," Ryan.
Ryan: What?
Cook: Not "who did America reject?" Whom did America reject? Not that America's really rejected either, since Taylor Swift's last album sold over a million copies in its opening week and ended the year triple-platinum, while Lady Gaga has sold over 15 million albums and 51 million singles.
Seacrest: You're just full of information tonight, Dave, aren't you?
Cook: Yup.
Katharine McPhee [hisses to Cook]: What are you doing?
Cook: It's simple. Just turn the sentence around so whoever-it-is moves to the normal spot at the end. You wouldn't say "America rejected she"--
McPhee: Not that! Baiting Ryan.
Lee DeWyze [under his breath, to both McPhee and Cook]: He's vicious when roused.
Cook: Good clean, family fun. [to Seacrest] You were saying, sir?
Seacrest: Which of these fine, high-selling blonde songstresses did America send home tonight? Find out--
Kanye West: Imma let you finish, but if you say "after the break," Imma break yo face.
Stevie Van Zandt: Only if I don't get there first.
Ke$ha Rose: I'm exuding thoughts of peaceful harmony.
Justin Bieber: Yeah, wassup widdat? You used to be sleazy.
Seacrest: Right now! Lady Gaga, you're going home. And for your sing-out, America is going to be favored with a very special duet wih a very special Grammy-nominated singer who... whom... who...
Cook: Whom!
Seacrest: Whom you wrote this song for.
The moody opening bars of a familiar tune play. Lady Gaga's vegetable dress rustles menacingly as she pauses in her stroll to center stage, looking puzzled.
DeWyze [to Cook]: Isn't there something wrong about how that sentence ended?
Cook: There's a lot wrong with how that sentence ended. Listen carefully.
Dramatic lighting effects ensue as a platform descends, bearing (in a green satin tux ornamented with rhinestone cauliflower and endive-like ruffles, plus a matching top hat with a tumnescent carrot)... Adam Lambert!
Lambert [sings]: Hey, slow it down! Whataya want from me? Whataya want from me!
Lady Gaga: Hey! That's not my song!
Lambert [sings]: Yeah, I'm afraid. Whataya want--
Lady Gaga: Stop!
The music straggles to a halt as the platform stops its descent in midair. Lambert kneels at the edge of the platform (keeping a grip on his top hat) and looks over.
Lambert: Gaga? You didn't write this song.
Gaga: I know.
Ken Warwick [thinking, erroneously, he's on a private mic]: Ryan, what the [bleep!] is going on? She wrote that song.
Seacrest: I told you she didn't write that song.
Warwick: Of course she wrote that song. How many edgy platinum blonde dance-pop songwriters can there be out there? It's obviously a Madonna song.
Gaga: Do I look like Madonna?
Lambert: Kinda. [He sits on the edge of his platform, dangling his legs. His socks have purple glitter.] That's okay. I'm basically a clean-cut Iggy Pop you can introduce to your grandma.
Lady Gaga: I. did. not. write that song. I wrote this song. [sings] There he goes, my baby walks so slow, sexual tic-tac-toe--
Lambert: I'm not Grammy-nominated for that song, though.
Gaga: Well, [bleep!] that, neither am I. But I'm not singing a Pink song.
Warwick: Sounds like the same song to me. Ryan, make them sing!
Seacrest: There must be something you two could agree to sing.
Lambert and Gaga stare at each other He hops off his platform and whispers in her ear. She smiles and nods. He goes to the band leader, has a consultation, and comes back.
Lambert [sings]: I'm your biggest fan--
Lady Gaga and Lambert [singing together]: I'll follow you until you love me, papa-paparazzi. Baby, there's no other superstar. You know that I'll be papa-paparazzi.
Lambert: Promise I'll be kind! But I won't stop until that boy is mine!
Lady Gaga and Lambert: Baby, you'll be famous, chase you down until you love me, papa-paparazzi!
The impromptu performance ends in a glitter of strobe lights and applause, plus a spurt of salad dressing from Lady Gaga's frock, after which she steals and bites Lambert's carrot.
Seacrest: And that's goodbye to Lady Gaga, and to our own Adam Lambert...
Lambert and Cook look at one another with roughly the expression of male cats who feel an attachment to the same bird-filled bit of shrubbery.
Cook: Let's pull up a chair over here for Mr. Lambert.
Seacrest: Then after the break, it's a disco inferno!
Lambert [joining the judges at a spot between Cook and McPhee]: Dude. Dudette. Dude.
DeWyze: Dude.
McPhee: Shiny.
Cook: Dude. The eighties are back.
Lambert: The eighties are back. In all but high album sales and really big hair. [pause] You're kinda rockin' the spiky bedhead look.
Cook: It's my proprietary hair glue. I whip it up in my Kitchenaid mixer. Uses the same ingredients as for marshmallows.
Lambert: Sounds scrumptious. I love whipping up something stiff and sticky.
Seacrest: And we're back! Just moments after avoiding rejection by America, here's Taylor Swift to give us her interpretation of the dance-friendly disco sound.
Taylor Swift [sings, accompanying herself on the guitar]: For so long, you and me been finding each other for so long. And the feeling that I feel for you is more then strong, boy. I, I just want to be your everything. Open up the heaven in your heart and let me be the things you are to me and not some puppet on a string...
At the end of a lyrical country-western version of the song, Swift smiles and looks nervously at the judges.
DeWyze: Miss Swift, I really enjoyed how you played down the driving disco beat. Am I imagining it, or did you change it to a waltz time signature?
Cook: She changed it to 6/8.
DeWyze: You're sure?
Cook: Dude. I know 6/8. It softens the flow of the song--
DeWyze: Well, and just eliminating the four-on-the-floor bass--
Cook: 6/8 is also the logical time signature to choose because disco's sixteenth-note divisions of the bass gives you a quicker-moving feel you don't necessarily want to lose--
Swift: Exactly. I wanted to retain the sense of urgency in the song.
Ken Warwick [interrupting on secret mic]: Just tell her to stop hiding behind the guitar and move along.
DeWyze: Handling the music creatively--
Warwick: Kill Lee's and Dave's mics, give me 15 seconds on Kat, ready, NOW!
McPhee [talking fast]: Your vocals were much better this time. Now don't forget, I want the email for your source of goats.
Seacrest: Next up! Another person who hides behind his guitar, Stevie Van Zandt!
Van Zandt plants himself in the middle of the stage, adjust his bandana, and rocks out with major guitar hero action. [wails]: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyybeeeeeeee! My heart is full of love and desire for you! Now come on down and do what you gotta do. [camera pans to a pleased-looking Maureen Van Zandt] You started this fire down in my soul. Now can't you see it's burning out of control?
He ends with an impressive guitar solo. Camera pans to smiling and applauding Maureen Van Zandt, Neal Tiemann, and Monty Anderson.
DeWyze: Dude. That wasn't just-- [realizes his mic is still off and grabs McPhee's] That wasn't just a change to highlight the guitar. Your arrangement rocked it up.
Cook: He took the bass off the two and the four beats and let the snare carry it.
DeWyze: But what I'm wondering is--
Warwick: That's ENOUGH. Kat, talk!
McPhee [grabbing mic back]: You sang more words this time. I liked that.
Seacrest: Since we have the opportunity, let's hear what international superstar Adam Lambert has to say about Stevie Van Zandt's performance.
Lambert: I wouldn't presume to give Stevie Van Zandt criticism. He's a rock icon.
Seacrest: But speaking as one superstar to another--
Lambert: I'm not a superstar.
Seacrest: Of course you're a superstar. Your press releases say so.
Lambert: Babe, you have to weigh common sense when reading those.
Seacrest: What common sense? Anyone who looks at you sees star power.
Lambert: I've had one album that's sold a bit over a million worldwide, plus a top 10 single on the Billboard Hot 100 and a couple other singles that did pretty well. Nobody takes seriously putting me in a class with artists who've sold multiple millions or defined the sound of their times. Not me. Not my fans.
Warwick: Would someone shut him up, please?
Lambert: Not even my mom, and moms can be kinda over-the-top. When you say "superstar," you're talking about where I want to get, not where I am.
Cook [to Lambert]: I'm totally with you on the sentiment, but you've just made it really hard for me to critique anyone here.
Lambert: Oops. Sorry, man.
Van Zandt: Talk to me like a fellow musician, Dave.
Cook: It was a compelling arrangement, but the way you cut the song eliminated most of the internal tension--
Warwick: CUT HIM OFF! No music talk! Move the show along!
Seacrest: Next up is Kanye West, and he's got the funk.
West [sings]: Do ya wanna funk? Won't you tell me now? If you wanna funk, I can show ya how. Do ya wanna funk with me? [raps] Funk that, honky cat. Cat got your tongue? I'm hungover and low-hung, and you been cattin' around with the mayor of Funkytown. [sings] Do ya wanna funk with me?
Seacrest [realizing there's time to fill]: So tell us, what inspired you to choose that song?
West: I like funking.
Seacrest: Let's hear from our judges.
DeWyze: Was I imagining it, or were your backup singers doing "Funky Town" the whole time?
West: Imma admit it, your ears do not deceive you.
DeWyze: Rad. Did you know I sang back-up on a hip hop song?
West: No joke. I wouldn't have made you for a brother.
DeWyze: I was at the stage of doing whatever it took to get some attention--
West: Dude, you was a featured artist. That's a starting place for a lot of talent.
Warwick [not realizing his secret mic is public again]: Enough with the music chit-chat, already. We've already established you're not qualified to critique these superstars.
Lambert [under his breath]: Sh*t.
DeWyze: I'm talking with Kanye West as a fellow musician. Right, guys?
West: Damn straight, bro.
Cook: Works for me.
DeWyze: That'd be a fellow musician with three albums under his belt.
Warwick: With the whole Idol machine behind you, you couldn't sell gold.
DeWyze: So? That doesn't mean I've never learned anything about songwriting.
Warwick: Go to commercial. Now! [to DeWyze] You're going to be back to leading the house band for the Chicago sports report before the confetti hits the floor at the send of this season.
DeWyze: Tell me something half the Idolverse hasn't told me already.
Warwick: You're a disgrace to the Idol franchise. [to McPhee] And so are you. [looks at Lambert and Cook] And you two are pretty damned close to it. No matter how much we hype you, not one of you measures up to Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood.
DeWyze: Then why'd you cast us?
Warwick: What?
DeWyze: Why'd you cast us? You're the executive producer. You have 10,000 auditioners every year. If we're all such disappointments, why'd you cast us?
Warwick: You weren't supposed to win.
Cook: If you don't want musicians to win, you shouldn't stick us with antediluvian songs that we have to rearrange if we aren't going to be told we're karaoke.
Warwick [tipping his head at Lambert]: He isn't a musician.
Lambert: The hell I'm not. My voice is my instrument. Just because I don't play a guitar, that doesn't mean I'm ignorant.
DeWyze: You still haven't answered why you cast us.
Warwick: Colorful cannon fodder!
Cook: Thanks for sharing.
Warwick: Not you. There's a chance you'll blow 'em away on your sophomore album, in which case I always knew you were a winner. Him.
DeWyze: Are you saying there were musicians better than me or Crystal or anyone else in the top 24 that you turned down because you wanted to cast some people who were certain to lose?
Warwick: Lose? You were supposed to crash and burn. Put the whole guitar-playing rocker franchise out of business. Instead, you and Crystal and Andrew and Casey spent the whole season putting audiences to sleep.
DeWyze: If we were so boring, why didn't you tell us to do something different?
Warwick: I did everything I could. I sent him [points to Lambert] to mentor you.
Lambert: Not that I didn't enjoy the Elvis schtick and the Vegas schtick, but did you ever think that was maybe a little indirect?
Warwick: I sent Miley Cyrus to mentor you.
Cook: You had them mentored by a teenager who makes a living off not knowing her own musical identity?
Lambert [sings]: I can't be shaved. I can't be bathed.
DeWyze: She reminds me of a goat.
Lambert: I'd already revived that Fosse-esque choreography in my video for "For Your Entertainment," too. I liked her wings, though.
McPhee: Goats for the win!
DeWyze: I meant her vocals, not her PR techniques.
McPhee: Oh.
Warwick: Know your places. Now. This time, I mean it.
Seacrest: And we're BACK with our fresh, contemporary artist, Justin Bieber, who's here to show us what a modern sound sounds like.
Justin Bieber: Wassup man?
Seacrest: You're about to show us what fresh, contemporary singing sounds like.
Justin Bieber: Yo. [sings] She sits alone, waiting for suggestions. He's so nervous, avoiding all the questions. His lips are dry. Her heart is gently pounding. Don't you just know exactly what they're thinking?
Bieber is up to the edge of the stage, touching the hands of his tween fans. Lambert has a hand over his face to hide a mixture of chortles and horrified awe. Not being a disco afficionado, Cook is 20 seconds behind Lambert on this one, but his expression when he realizes what's happening strongly resembles a stuffed moose stifling a fit of hiccups.
Bieber [sings]: If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on sugar, let me know. If you really need me, just reach out and touch me. Come on, honey, tell me so.
Bieber finishes to shrieks of "We love you, Justin!"
Seacrest: Let's hear what our illustrious panel of judges early in their careers have to say.
DeWyze: It was a little karaoke to me.
McPhee: I have no words.
Lambert: I'm not sure America was ready for that.
Cook: This song may have been a little old for you. I would also have liked to hear more effort to change it up, for instance--
Warwick [in secret mic, which is now again secret]: Don't we have a commercial coming up? RYAN!
Seacrest: And it's time for an important message from our sponsors. Don't forget that the number for contemporary, fresh Justin Bieber is 1-866-IDOLS-04. That's 1-866-IDOLS-04. [Bieber flashes four fingers.]
McPhee [to Lambert]: You know, if you think about stars mostly as objects that glitter, you do that a lot. And you're very shiny.
Lambert: Thanks.
McPhee: I've found that sacrificing a goat moves the PR right along.
Lambert: Thanks, but what the tabloids would make of a gay man and a dead goat does not excite me.
DeWyze: I thought your schtick was being edgy and controversial.
Lambert: For my beliefs, man. For my beliefs. I believe in freedom of expression, self-actualization, and spreading the love. Slaughtering odd-toed ungulates is nowhere on that list.
Cook: Even-toed.
Lambert: What?
Cook: Goats are even-toed ungulates. Horses are odd-toed.
McPhee: How do you even know this stuff?
Cook: It's amazing what you come across when you're working with a tough rhyme scheme.
Seacrest: And we're BACK! Our last contestant of the night is Miss Kesha Rose Sebert, who plans to close the evening literally on a high note.
Ke$ha, in her blue dress with butterflies, positions herself under a single white spotlight.
Ke$ha: I want to dedicate this song to Jesus. [sings in sweet gospel tones] I need you, by me, beside me to guide me, to hold me, to scold me, 'cause when I'm bad, I'm so, so bad. [music soars] Let's dance the last dance. Let's dance the last dance. Let's dance this last dance tonight!
The song builds to a crescendo. Doves are released.
Seacrest: That was a Moment. Now let's hear what our judges think.
DeWyze [reading from monitor]: That was a Moment. [pauses] You know, I have nothing to lose--
McPhee: Lee! Just play along.
DeWyze: Why? What difference could it make to me? Yeah, I got the big contract for winning, but I've been ridiculed and humiliated every day since. All this for wanting to make a living by making music. Why the hell shouldn't I say--
McPhee: Trust me. There's a very big reason.
Cook: For all that I'm Mr. Tactful, I'm with Lee on this one. It's a matter of musical integrity.
McPhee: It's not worth it.
Cook: What's he going to do, take away our titles?
McPhee: Worse than that.
Cook: I've always played nicely with Idol. But I've also spent the past two years paying my dues as a serious musician. My producer respects me. My label respects me. My peers respect me. Some of the music press is showing signs of respecting me. Nobody can take that away from me.
Lambert: That's even more exciting than your hair glue recipe.
McPhee: You don't understand. It's worse than anything you could imagine.
DeWyze: Then that bogeyman's just gonna have to come get me. Ke$ha, what I really think is--
TO BE CONTINUED
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-02-01 07:36 pm (UTC)Best line has to be ...... 'Cook is 20 seconds behind Lambert on this one, but his expression when he realizes what's happening strongly resembles a stuffed moose stifling a fit of hiccups.'
Priceless!!!!!
Listen carefully
Date: 2011-02-02 03:36 am (UTC)Thanks so much for these, Eilonwy -- such good food for the imagination. Love Smart Musician Dave.