Baby, It's the Guitar Man
Dec. 2nd, 2011 04:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eilonwyhasemuIn the prequel, Cook and his new lighting tech, John, had been working on Cook's plan to rescue 26 unwanted dogs, one for each letter of the alphabet. The day has progressed: now it's late afternoon, and the band and crew are setting up at the venue.
John: Looks like that dachshund we found this morning is ours. He'll be on the plane to Los Angeles in the morning.
Cook: Excellent. We need a name for him. Dachshunds are German, so we need a French name--
John: I was thinking Gaston.
Cook: Gaston?
John: Well, the description says he farts a lot.
Cook: Gaston it is! [They exchange high-fives.]
Assorted productive noises remind Cook that he's supposed to be soundchecking. The band launches into Mr. Sensitive, only to launch out of it quickly when something goes wrong with Cook's guitar.
Cook: Something's not right here.
His guitar tech scurries to do some fixing. The band starts over, only to skid to a halt before the end of the first verse.
Cook: What the fuck? I can't hear my own guitar-playing.
His guitar tech scurries over to do some fixing. And some more fixing. The band starts over, only to--
Cook: That pedal's always been the wah-wah. What the hell?
His guitar tech scurries over. The door opens and Andrew Cook sticks his head in.
Andrew Cook: Bro. Is the plan for VIP to play "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," pose for a group shot with all 50 of them, and call it a day?
Cook: No.
ACook: 'Cause we're getting behind schedule, and people are getting antsy out here. One's threatened to put me to bed without cookies, and another said she'd confiscate my footie pajamas.
Cook: Nobody's taking away your footie pajamas. Give us just a minute--
Guitar tech: It's done. It's great. All solved. Perfect.
The band launches into the song, only--
Cook: My fucking guitar set-up is totally borked! What does it take to get a competent guitar tech around here?
In the sickly silence that follows, Andrew Cook shuts the door with himself safely on the far side of it.
Kyle Peek [waving drum sticks]: Yeah! What does it take to get a competent guitar tech around here?
Andy Skib: Dude?
Devin Bronson: Dude?
Peek: Aren't we shooting a sequel to "Pork Beans 8: An Interior Montalogue"?
Monty Anderson: No.
Peek: But there was even a fart joke.
Andrew Cook [opening door a crack]: Twinkle, twinkle. Twinkle, twinkle!
Cook: Fuck it. [to guitar tech] Sorry for the outburst, dude. We'll play a different song.
SoundcheckcharmingphotosangrybirdsdinnerMayDayguitarlicksstuckintherainwilddrummingstockholmsyndromecheersputyourhandstogethershhhhhhhhfadeintomefadeintoyourampantapplauserapideyemovementthrowguitarpicksmeetandgreetforfanswhoboughtmerchDONE.
Cook: The crew's still loading the bus? That's usually done long before the post-show M&G is over.
Skib: Someone said something about the bus needing to get gas.
Anderson: I wish they'd taken me. I get gas all the time.
Kyle [waving drum sticks]: That's right! He gets gas all the time!
Bronson: Dude.
Kyle: Still not a new Pork Beans episode?
Skib: Nope.
Anderson: If the beans are what gives me gas, who's doing the porking?
Cook: And what happened to my guitar tech? John did a great job during the show--
John [appearing behind Cook with a crate of equipment]: Thanks, man. It was really okay?
Cook: It was the best I'd had for the entire tour. Where'd you learn to do that?
John: My high school buddy's uncle's pal from the hood was a guitar tech for Springsteen. He used to let me tag along.
Cook: Dude.
John: I guess it's like riding a bicycle. You never forget.
Bronson: Dude!
Cook: So where's my regular guitar tech?
John: Probably sleeping it off somewhere.
Cook: Sleeping what off?
Sound tech [running up, waving something]: How the hell are we supposed to load out when idiots are leaving their shoes in the cargo hold?
Skib [to Cook]: Isn't that your guitar tech's left shoe?
Cook: Looks like a right shoe to me.
Skib: Whatever. Aren't those the sneakers that Mel wears?
Cook: What the fuck would Mel's shoes be doing in with the luggage? They're usually on his feet.
John: Maybe that's where he was sleeping it off.
Cook: Sleeping what off?
John: Whatever he needed to sleep off. Okay, folks, let's hit move! Gotta hit the road!
Loadupsettleinneedadrinkmutantninjaturtlevideossleepsleepsleepwheelsonthebusgoroundandroundwakeupinanewscity...
Cook: Why is there a police officer pounding on the door of the bus?
Anderson: A police officer? We don't need no stinkin' badgers!
Cook: Badges.
Anderson: Badgers.
Cook: Badges. Seriously. Like the thing she's flashing at Andrew right now.
Anderson: That's not what I call it when women flash me.
Cook: All she's flashing is her badge.
Anderson: I've always wanted a badger. Instead, I ended up with a basilisk.
TO BE CONTINUED.
John: Looks like that dachshund we found this morning is ours. He'll be on the plane to Los Angeles in the morning.
Cook: Excellent. We need a name for him. Dachshunds are German, so we need a French name--
John: I was thinking Gaston.
Cook: Gaston?
John: Well, the description says he farts a lot.
Cook: Gaston it is! [They exchange high-fives.]
Assorted productive noises remind Cook that he's supposed to be soundchecking. The band launches into Mr. Sensitive, only to launch out of it quickly when something goes wrong with Cook's guitar.
Cook: Something's not right here.
His guitar tech scurries to do some fixing. The band starts over, only to skid to a halt before the end of the first verse.
Cook: What the fuck? I can't hear my own guitar-playing.
His guitar tech scurries over to do some fixing. And some more fixing. The band starts over, only to--
Cook: That pedal's always been the wah-wah. What the hell?
His guitar tech scurries over. The door opens and Andrew Cook sticks his head in.
Andrew Cook: Bro. Is the plan for VIP to play "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," pose for a group shot with all 50 of them, and call it a day?
Cook: No.
ACook: 'Cause we're getting behind schedule, and people are getting antsy out here. One's threatened to put me to bed without cookies, and another said she'd confiscate my footie pajamas.
Cook: Nobody's taking away your footie pajamas. Give us just a minute--
Guitar tech: It's done. It's great. All solved. Perfect.
The band launches into the song, only--
Cook: My fucking guitar set-up is totally borked! What does it take to get a competent guitar tech around here?
In the sickly silence that follows, Andrew Cook shuts the door with himself safely on the far side of it.
Kyle Peek [waving drum sticks]: Yeah! What does it take to get a competent guitar tech around here?
Andy Skib: Dude?
Devin Bronson: Dude?
Peek: Aren't we shooting a sequel to "Pork Beans 8: An Interior Montalogue"?
Monty Anderson: No.
Peek: But there was even a fart joke.
Andrew Cook [opening door a crack]: Twinkle, twinkle. Twinkle, twinkle!
Cook: Fuck it. [to guitar tech] Sorry for the outburst, dude. We'll play a different song.
SoundcheckcharmingphotosangrybirdsdinnerMayDayguitarlicksstuckintherainwilddrummingstockholmsyndromecheersputyourhandstogethershhhhhhhhfadeintomefadeintoyourampantapplauserapideyemovementthrowguitarpicksmeetandgreetforfanswhoboughtmerchDONE.
Cook: The crew's still loading the bus? That's usually done long before the post-show M&G is over.
Skib: Someone said something about the bus needing to get gas.
Anderson: I wish they'd taken me. I get gas all the time.
Kyle [waving drum sticks]: That's right! He gets gas all the time!
Bronson: Dude.
Kyle: Still not a new Pork Beans episode?
Skib: Nope.
Anderson: If the beans are what gives me gas, who's doing the porking?
Cook: And what happened to my guitar tech? John did a great job during the show--
John [appearing behind Cook with a crate of equipment]: Thanks, man. It was really okay?
Cook: It was the best I'd had for the entire tour. Where'd you learn to do that?
John: My high school buddy's uncle's pal from the hood was a guitar tech for Springsteen. He used to let me tag along.
Cook: Dude.
John: I guess it's like riding a bicycle. You never forget.
Bronson: Dude!
Cook: So where's my regular guitar tech?
John: Probably sleeping it off somewhere.
Cook: Sleeping what off?
Sound tech [running up, waving something]: How the hell are we supposed to load out when idiots are leaving their shoes in the cargo hold?
Skib [to Cook]: Isn't that your guitar tech's left shoe?
Cook: Looks like a right shoe to me.
Skib: Whatever. Aren't those the sneakers that Mel wears?
Cook: What the fuck would Mel's shoes be doing in with the luggage? They're usually on his feet.
John: Maybe that's where he was sleeping it off.
Cook: Sleeping what off?
John: Whatever he needed to sleep off. Okay, folks, let's hit move! Gotta hit the road!
Loadupsettleinneedadrinkmutantninjaturtlevideossleepsleepsleepwheelsonthebusgoroundandroundwakeupinanewscity...
Cook: Why is there a police officer pounding on the door of the bus?
Anderson: A police officer? We don't need no stinkin' badgers!
Cook: Badges.
Anderson: Badgers.
Cook: Badges. Seriously. Like the thing she's flashing at Andrew right now.
Anderson: That's not what I call it when women flash me.
Cook: All she's flashing is her badge.
Anderson: I've always wanted a badger. Instead, I ended up with a basilisk.
TO BE CONTINUED.
