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eilonwyhasemuIn our last episode, David Cook had a plan to fly a farting dachshund to LA, a missing guitar tech, and police at the door of the bus.
Andrew Cook: The police officer says she's here about the dogs.
Cook: What dogs?
Police officer: The 26 dogs you have on this bus. I have to check their licenses.
Monty Anderson: Why? We're not letting the dogs drive.
Cook: We don't have 26 dogs on the bus. I thought maybe you knew what happened to my guitar tech.
John the Techie: He's probably sleeping it off somewhere.
Police: Sir, I have multiple reports of your having 26 dogs on this bus.
Cook: We don't have even one dog on this bus--
ACook: Well, if you want to be technical about it--
Cook: I'd love to have Dublin along, but he wrecks hotel rooms. He's more of a rock star than I am.
John the Techie: I could fix that.
Cook: You'd teach me how to wreck hotel rooms?
John: I'd teach your dog not to pee in your hat. I put myself through college as a dog trainer. Three weeks of intensive work, and Dublin could be on the bus.
Cook: That'd be rad.
Police: Sir. I need to check your bus for these dogs.
John: May we see your warrant? You can't search the bus without probable cause.
Police officer shows him the search warrant.
Andy Skib: Oh, shit.
Cook: We don't have the shitzu on the bus. There's nothing to find--
Police [going to a bunk]: Whose bunk is this?
Devin Bronson: Mine. Really, no dogs here. I'm a cat person. Hey... hey... hey... what are you doing?
Cook: I didn't know you slept with a signed guitar pick from Matthew Bellamy under your pillow.
Bronson: His guitars are made in, like, Devon, England. It's a sense of connection.
Police: No dogs there. [moves on] Whose bunk is this?
Kyle Peek: Mine, but--
ACook: Kyle sleeps with a binkie! Kyle sleeps with a binkie!
Peek: My son gave me his blankie because he thought I'd be lonely on the road, okay?
Police: No dogs there. [moves on] Whose bunk is this?
Monty Anderson: That's mine. I don't have no stinking binkies.
Cook [whispers to Anderson]: You left the basilisk in LA, right?
Anderson: Tulsa, actually.
Cook: The basilisk is roaming Tulsa?
Anderson: It was easier to find a sitter there. Oh... shit...
ACook: A teddy bear, Montster?
Anderson: A teddy bear in a beer t-shirt. You wish you had one.
Police: No dogs there. [moves on] Whose bunk is this?
ACook: Mine, but to reach 26 dogs, there'd have to be a couple or three dogs in each bunk, right? So if you haven't found dogs yet, you can stop.
Police: Sir, I have to check for... that's a dog.
ACook: It's just a little one.
It is a particularly scruffy little black terrier-like dog with an eye patch.
Cook: How the hell did that get here? [to dog] Aren't you a good puppeh. Whatcha chewin' there? Whatcha chewin'? Is that your uncle Drew's sock? Yes, it is. Gimme the sock--
ACook: A fan gave it to me last night at the meet-and-greet. She said she knew you were rescuing dogs and thought you might want an Affenpinscher.
Cook: Gimme the sock! No way is there a dog called an Affenpinscher. Gimme-- [dog surrenders sock] Ew. Ew. Ick.
ACook: Google it.
Cook: Affenpinsching is what my fans do when I climb off stage and walk around.
Police: This is an unlicensed dog. I'm going to have to seize it--
Cook: No!
Police: And I'm taking in the pencil-necked geeky one for obstruction of justice.
ACook: No!
John the Techie: Since we're not residents of your city, you don't have jurisdiction over the licensing of our dogs.
Police: What--
John: Here's the case law. See? [he holds out his phone] Lexis has an incredible iPhone app.
Cook: You have case law on your phone? All I've got is a bunch of games, Yelp, and the OED.
John: In my three years in the diplomatic corps, I learned the value of always being prepared to deal with the local police. As long as our dogs are mobile, no one can require licensing.
Cook: Rolling, rolling, rolling, keep them doggies rolling! [The guys exchange high fives.]
Eatdresssurfthewebeatwherethehellarewetodayunloadunloadunloadsetupsetupsetupsoundchecksoundchecksoundchecksoundcheck...
ACook: Oh, shit!
Cook: Shitzu? We need a shitzu.
ACook [to fan]: We weren't going to do props with photos today--
Fan: Dave, I know it's not a dog, but as soon as I saw this poor, unwanted chicken, I thought of you!
Cook: Thanks. I think.
Chicken: Cluck. Cluck cluck.
Fan: If you can just pose with it on your head, and the rest of the guys can wear the pig snouts I brought--
ACook: No props!
Cook: Has anybody noticed that I'm standing here holding a live chicken?
Skib: Yes. Why?
Cook: It's going to be hard to hug fans while holding a live chicken. Also, it's getting shitzu on my hands.
John the Techie: Let me take care of that. I used to help my widowed mother run the family farm.
Anderson: Does "take care of that" include battering and frying? 'Cause I'm always hungry after shows.
49moreVIPphotoopsdinnerZanderBlecksingsyayhegotapplausetonightshowtimeMaydayMaydayneverletmefallneverlettheworstgetthebestofhimbanterbanterbanterdamnmypaperheartbrokenartputondisplay--
Cook [sings]: Give me a dollar or give me 50 cents, let me take it back if that ain't what I meant. Give me a coat or give me a bite--
Meanwhile, on Twitter...
Do you think any of the dogs ever bite Dave?
No dog would bite Dave!
I think he's telling us he wants us to raise money to support the dogs
Why do you think that?
It's right in the song. He's the dog man. And he's asking us to give him a dollar.
The song also says to give him a book.
I'm just telling you what I know. Dave wants us to raise money to help with the dogs.
Hey, I'm late. What have I missed?
Dave wants us to raise money so he can teach the dogs to read.
Dogs can't read.
Dave's going to write an inspirational book about the dogs.
He told my cousin at soundcheck two weeks ago that Dublin already reads at a third-grade level.
WildapplausebanterbanterbantercombacktomehardtobelieveyouturnawayfromeverythingI'vebeentryingtosayfourletterwordgoodbyetotheworld--
Cook [sings]: Will you bite the hand that feeds? Will you chew it until it bleeds? Can you get up off your knees?
Meanwhile, on Twitter...
OMG. One of dogs bit Dave!
Where are you getting that?
The song.
Isn't that a political protest song?
It's about biting a hand. What do you feed dogs with?
I think you're right. Dave's telling us one of the dogs bit him.
I had to go to the bathroom. What'd I miss?
One of the dogs bit Dave. If he gets rabies, they'll have to stop touring.
No more tour? I'm sad.
Dave has rabies. We need to pray for him.
IfeelsickIfeelnervoustrytokeepthelightonwhileI'mgoneapplauseapplauseDavidCookDavidCookDAVIDCOOKDAVIDCOOKDAVIDCOOKfadeintomefadeintoyouisthisstoryworthforgettingwildapplausewildapplausemeetandgreetmeetmeetmeetgreetgreetgreetDONE!
Back on the bus...
Cook: There's a chicken on my pillow!
Chicken: Cluck. Cluck cluck.
Cook [sings to chicken]: Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little.
Chicken: Cluck. Cluck cluck.
Cook: Talk a lot, pick a little more. Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little.
Chicken: Squawk!
Cook: Okay, Henny Penny, you're gonna have to share that pillow. Let's check my @feed on Twitter and see if anything's exploded.
@thedavidcook How much money do you want each of us to send for the dogs?
@thedavidcook Is @thedublincook really reading at a third-grade level?
@thedavidcook Writing an inspirational book about your dogs is a great idea. "We Believe"!
thedublincook: 3rd grade in French. @thedavidcook used to take me out to squirt in the dirt, but now I go oui-oui-oui.
@thedavidcook Have you had fever or abdominal pain lately? http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/rabies-symptoms
@thedavidcook You have too many dogs.
@thedavidcook I'm so sad that you're canceling tour.
@thedavidcook I'm praying for you to get over the rabies quickly and can tour.
I wish @thedavidcook wasn't too sick to tour.
Is there any treatment for rabies? I don't want @thedavidcook to be sick.
Cook: What the hell? [types]
thedavidcook: Looking forward to touring Europe, then hitting Canada so hard we even see Happy Valley!!!
@thedavidcook Happy Valley? Where's that?
Isn't Happy Valley on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge? @thedavidcook
@thedavidcook Happy Valley is in Labrador, right? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Happy_Valley-Goose_Bay,_Newfoundland_and_Labrador
What's the Rainbow Bridge? And why would @thedavidcook go there?
@thedavidcook A Labrador bit you?
It's where dogs go when they die. @thedavidcook
@thedavidcook is telling us that dogs go to Labrador when they die?
Maybe @thedavidcook means he's going to tour Labrador.
Nobody tours Labrador. It's BFE. A Labrador bit @thedavidcook & after Europe, it's lights out.
He's warning us.
@thedavidcook Don't die!
@thedavidcook We're praying for you! You can't die!
Cook's Phone: Bing bing bing.
Cook: Who's texting me this late at night?
MichelleYoung: Dave, Dog Fancy called about wanting to interview you.
Phone: Bing bing bing.
BethForaker: Kiddo, I'm hearing some things that worry me. Call me when you have a chance.
Phone: Bing bing bing.
MichelleYoung: PETA called too. They sounded upset.
Phone: Bing bing bing.
ShirleyHalperin: Dave, are you going to be adding rabies prevention to your charities? Call me. I want an in-depth exclusive on the tour cancellation.
Cook: I don't have rabies!
Chicken: Squawk!
Cook: I'm not canceling tour!
Chicken: Squawk!
Cook: We're really planning to go to the boondocks of Canada! What do I need to do to make myself clear?
Chicken: Squawk!
John the Techie [sticking head into bunk]: Is that a serious question? 'Cause if it is, I can help. My three years in the diplomatic service--
Cook: Bring it. And a can of PBR, while you're up.
TO BE CONTINUED.
Andrew Cook: The police officer says she's here about the dogs.
Cook: What dogs?
Police officer: The 26 dogs you have on this bus. I have to check their licenses.
Monty Anderson: Why? We're not letting the dogs drive.
Cook: We don't have 26 dogs on the bus. I thought maybe you knew what happened to my guitar tech.
John the Techie: He's probably sleeping it off somewhere.
Police: Sir, I have multiple reports of your having 26 dogs on this bus.
Cook: We don't have even one dog on this bus--
ACook: Well, if you want to be technical about it--
Cook: I'd love to have Dublin along, but he wrecks hotel rooms. He's more of a rock star than I am.
John the Techie: I could fix that.
Cook: You'd teach me how to wreck hotel rooms?
John: I'd teach your dog not to pee in your hat. I put myself through college as a dog trainer. Three weeks of intensive work, and Dublin could be on the bus.
Cook: That'd be rad.
Police: Sir. I need to check your bus for these dogs.
John: May we see your warrant? You can't search the bus without probable cause.
Police officer shows him the search warrant.
Andy Skib: Oh, shit.
Cook: We don't have the shitzu on the bus. There's nothing to find--
Police [going to a bunk]: Whose bunk is this?
Devin Bronson: Mine. Really, no dogs here. I'm a cat person. Hey... hey... hey... what are you doing?
Cook: I didn't know you slept with a signed guitar pick from Matthew Bellamy under your pillow.
Bronson: His guitars are made in, like, Devon, England. It's a sense of connection.
Police: No dogs there. [moves on] Whose bunk is this?
Kyle Peek: Mine, but--
ACook: Kyle sleeps with a binkie! Kyle sleeps with a binkie!
Peek: My son gave me his blankie because he thought I'd be lonely on the road, okay?
Police: No dogs there. [moves on] Whose bunk is this?
Monty Anderson: That's mine. I don't have no stinking binkies.
Cook [whispers to Anderson]: You left the basilisk in LA, right?
Anderson: Tulsa, actually.
Cook: The basilisk is roaming Tulsa?
Anderson: It was easier to find a sitter there. Oh... shit...
ACook: A teddy bear, Montster?
Anderson: A teddy bear in a beer t-shirt. You wish you had one.
Police: No dogs there. [moves on] Whose bunk is this?
ACook: Mine, but to reach 26 dogs, there'd have to be a couple or three dogs in each bunk, right? So if you haven't found dogs yet, you can stop.
Police: Sir, I have to check for... that's a dog.
ACook: It's just a little one.
It is a particularly scruffy little black terrier-like dog with an eye patch.
Cook: How the hell did that get here? [to dog] Aren't you a good puppeh. Whatcha chewin' there? Whatcha chewin'? Is that your uncle Drew's sock? Yes, it is. Gimme the sock--
ACook: A fan gave it to me last night at the meet-and-greet. She said she knew you were rescuing dogs and thought you might want an Affenpinscher.
Cook: Gimme the sock! No way is there a dog called an Affenpinscher. Gimme-- [dog surrenders sock] Ew. Ew. Ick.
ACook: Google it.
Cook: Affenpinsching is what my fans do when I climb off stage and walk around.
Police: This is an unlicensed dog. I'm going to have to seize it--
Cook: No!
Police: And I'm taking in the pencil-necked geeky one for obstruction of justice.
ACook: No!
John the Techie: Since we're not residents of your city, you don't have jurisdiction over the licensing of our dogs.
Police: What--
John: Here's the case law. See? [he holds out his phone] Lexis has an incredible iPhone app.
Cook: You have case law on your phone? All I've got is a bunch of games, Yelp, and the OED.
John: In my three years in the diplomatic corps, I learned the value of always being prepared to deal with the local police. As long as our dogs are mobile, no one can require licensing.
Cook: Rolling, rolling, rolling, keep them doggies rolling! [The guys exchange high fives.]
Eatdresssurfthewebeatwherethehellarewetodayunloadunloadunloadsetupsetupsetupsoundchecksoundchecksoundchecksoundcheck...
ACook: Oh, shit!
Cook: Shitzu? We need a shitzu.
ACook [to fan]: We weren't going to do props with photos today--
Fan: Dave, I know it's not a dog, but as soon as I saw this poor, unwanted chicken, I thought of you!
Cook: Thanks. I think.
Chicken: Cluck. Cluck cluck.
Fan: If you can just pose with it on your head, and the rest of the guys can wear the pig snouts I brought--
ACook: No props!
Cook: Has anybody noticed that I'm standing here holding a live chicken?
Skib: Yes. Why?
Cook: It's going to be hard to hug fans while holding a live chicken. Also, it's getting shitzu on my hands.
John the Techie: Let me take care of that. I used to help my widowed mother run the family farm.
Anderson: Does "take care of that" include battering and frying? 'Cause I'm always hungry after shows.
49moreVIPphotoopsdinnerZanderBlecksingsyayhegotapplausetonightshowtimeMaydayMaydayneverletmefallneverlettheworstgetthebestofhimbanterbanterbanterdamnmypaperheartbrokenartputondisplay--
Cook [sings]: Give me a dollar or give me 50 cents, let me take it back if that ain't what I meant. Give me a coat or give me a bite--
Meanwhile, on Twitter...
Do you think any of the dogs ever bite Dave?
No dog would bite Dave!
I think he's telling us he wants us to raise money to support the dogs
Why do you think that?
It's right in the song. He's the dog man. And he's asking us to give him a dollar.
The song also says to give him a book.
I'm just telling you what I know. Dave wants us to raise money to help with the dogs.
Hey, I'm late. What have I missed?
Dave wants us to raise money so he can teach the dogs to read.
Dogs can't read.
Dave's going to write an inspirational book about the dogs.
He told my cousin at soundcheck two weeks ago that Dublin already reads at a third-grade level.
WildapplausebanterbanterbantercombacktomehardtobelieveyouturnawayfromeverythingI'vebeentryingtosayfourletterwordgoodbyetotheworld--
Cook [sings]: Will you bite the hand that feeds? Will you chew it until it bleeds? Can you get up off your knees?
Meanwhile, on Twitter...
OMG. One of dogs bit Dave!
Where are you getting that?
The song.
Isn't that a political protest song?
It's about biting a hand. What do you feed dogs with?
I think you're right. Dave's telling us one of the dogs bit him.
I had to go to the bathroom. What'd I miss?
One of the dogs bit Dave. If he gets rabies, they'll have to stop touring.
No more tour? I'm sad.
Dave has rabies. We need to pray for him.
IfeelsickIfeelnervoustrytokeepthelightonwhileI'mgoneapplauseapplauseDavidCookDavidCookDAVIDCOOKDAVIDCOOKDAVIDCOOKfadeintomefadeintoyouisthisstoryworthforgettingwildapplausewildapplausemeetandgreetmeetmeetmeetgreetgreetgreetDONE!
Back on the bus...
Cook: There's a chicken on my pillow!
Chicken: Cluck. Cluck cluck.
Cook [sings to chicken]: Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little.
Chicken: Cluck. Cluck cluck.
Cook: Talk a lot, pick a little more. Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little.
Chicken: Squawk!
Cook: Okay, Henny Penny, you're gonna have to share that pillow. Let's check my @feed on Twitter and see if anything's exploded.
@thedavidcook Is @thedublincook really reading at a third-grade level?
@thedavidcook Writing an inspirational book about your dogs is a great idea. "We Believe"!
thedublincook: 3rd grade in French. @thedavidcook used to take me out to squirt in the dirt, but now I go oui-oui-oui.
@thedavidcook Have you had fever or abdominal pain lately? http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/rabies-symptoms
@thedavidcook You have too many dogs.
@thedavidcook I'm so sad that you're canceling tour.
@thedavidcook I'm praying for you to get over the rabies quickly and can tour.
I wish @thedavidcook wasn't too sick to tour.
Is there any treatment for rabies? I don't want @thedavidcook to be sick.
Cook: What the hell? [types]
@thedavidcook Happy Valley? Where's that?
Isn't Happy Valley on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge? @thedavidcook
@thedavidcook Happy Valley is in Labrador, right? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Happy_Valley-Goose_Bay,_Newfoundland_and_Labrador
What's the Rainbow Bridge? And why would @thedavidcook go there?
@thedavidcook A Labrador bit you?
It's where dogs go when they die. @thedavidcook
@thedavidcook is telling us that dogs go to Labrador when they die?
Maybe @thedavidcook means he's going to tour Labrador.
Nobody tours Labrador. It's BFE. A Labrador bit @thedavidcook & after Europe, it's lights out.
He's warning us.
@thedavidcook Don't die!
@thedavidcook We're praying for you! You can't die!
Cook's Phone: Bing bing bing.
Cook: Who's texting me this late at night?
Phone: Bing bing bing.
Phone: Bing bing bing.
Phone: Bing bing bing.
Cook: I don't have rabies!
Chicken: Squawk!
Cook: I'm not canceling tour!
Chicken: Squawk!
Cook: We're really planning to go to the boondocks of Canada! What do I need to do to make myself clear?
Chicken: Squawk!
John the Techie [sticking head into bunk]: Is that a serious question? 'Cause if it is, I can help. My three years in the diplomatic service--
Cook: Bring it. And a can of PBR, while you're up.
TO BE CONTINUED.
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you really are the best
Date: 2011-12-08 06:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-09 08:49 am (UTC)